Black Girls Be Having Birthdays!

Yesterday, August 29, 2012 was my birthday.

I am 23 years old.

I am 23 years old and I live at home.

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working.

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working and it’s part time.

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working and it’s part time and in my field.

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working and it’s part time and in my field and I enjoy it.

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working and it’s part time and in my field and I enjoy it and I dont have any children.

Let me say that again…

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working and it’s part time and in my field and I enjoy it and I dont have any children.

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working and it’s part time and in my field and I enjoy it and I dont have any children and I dont have a husband.

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working and it’s part time and in my field and I enjoy it and I dont have any children and I dont have a husband and I dont have a boyfriend.

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working and it’s part time and in my field and I enjoy it and I dont have any children and I dont have a husband and I dont have a boyfriend and I dont even have a consistent boo thang.

I am 23 years old and I live at home and I am working and it’s part time and in my field and I enjoy it and I dont have any children and I dont have a husband and I dont have a boyfriend and I dont even have a consistent boo thang BUT

I have the support of my wonderful family and I have amazing friends and my friends are old and new and near and far and black and white and I am making a difference in my community and I am creating my own definition of success.

I am 23 years old and I am blessed.

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Black Girls Be Talking to Other Black Girls About Sex

First of all let me say that this is a scary blog post to release to the world because it is so very honest.  This is literally a text conversation that I had with previously featured Awkward Duck.  She is my home girl and we have very open conversations but this is one that I think deserves a platform for discussion.  *This is slightly explicit and there is a cuss word or two, just so you know. It has only been edited slightly for typos and comprehension but not for content and all italics is me giving you some insight. In theatre, that is called an aside.*

Welcome the Real World of the Blue Black Girl!

Me (The Blue Black Girl): I’m having a problem rectifying my desire for celibacy with my belief in sex positivity. And I need to be strong in this before I really get into a situation with a man that makes me feel things. Cuz I was already feeling something with Fireman Sam(Fireman Sam is a guy I met online that I have hung out with twice and I like him and could possibly really like him. And he’s a fireman and his name is Sam. Fireman Sam). And both times as soon as I felt it I bolted as fast as I could. What do you suggest?

Her (Awkward Duck):Well, for starters- I love that you call him Fireman Sam. Lol- ok now that that’s out the way, why is it that you want to practice celibacy? What do you want to accomplish. I think it’s important to note that you can be sexually positive and affirming without having sex. It simply means you support the autonomy over ones sexual wants/desires/acts. Celibacy isn’t the antithesis of this. Celibacy can be fruitful and healing- as long as your reasons for doing it is your own- and not from someone else’s values. The conflict you feel around guys is a natural physical response to wanting to have sex! But I’d suggest you revisit what you want and are your actions and decisions reflecting that. And that’s it not….this is what someone else said would get me what I want. If celibacy is what you want- you should express this at some point with your male friends

BBG-Mmm that’s a lot to discern. I believe that I want to be celibate for selfish & pure reasons & I’m having problems unpacking that. I am celibate because I, (my government name), want to have a chance to get to know a man & decide on him before my loins do. I think I have lost trust in my body because the people my body craves haven’t necessarily been good for my heart. I need to heal that rift between my soul & my sexuality. And then there is religious guilt. When I’m sexing someone I have feelings for it feels good in the moment & while we’re in love but when it doesn’t work I feel like God is punishing me for my lack of control & purity. And then there is the “My pussy’s too damn good mentality.” And not wanting to waste a perfectly good interaction with someone who doesn’t deserve it.

AD-Mmmm that’s good. But it seems like the issues flow from 1- religious morals and 2- your inability to separate the sex from expectations

BBG– Indeed. Because I don’t know how to half ass sex. So when I do it I go balls to the wall, all emotions everything. Just everything laid out bare. And I am disappointed if I’m not matched in my efforts.

AD-What is it that you deserve? What is it you want? (both rhetorical) sex is also healing, and reciprocal and there’s no better feeling than knowing you have control over letting yourself feel good. The muddled perceptions we have on sex from different parts of ourselves make it hard. So we create alotta stress on something so pure. And hey, it happens. Maybe it is good that you push back until you clear it with self. I just don’t want you sexually oppressing yourself or giving yourself guilt trips over something naturally and divinely made. I went back and forth- making myself stop using vibrators. Suppressing my wants. And there’s good in practicing strong will- I was driving myself crazy until I released it all. If I’m celibate it’s to allow my womb to heal-or to refocus- but it’s not a source of guilt for me anymore

BBG– I understand. And you’re completely right. I just don’t trust myself. My body is impulsive & assertive but in my mind I want to take time & let the man take the lead, at least at first. Because I feel that a man will take almost anything that’s offered on a silver platter. But I want to give myself to a man that truly wants me & not just my body. I just dont trust myself to make the right decision when it comes to men & relationships & sex. So it’s easier & admittedly lazier to put it on God or the man. But that’s not fair.

AD– Well that’s honest and real. I just wanna also note that you’re great- and that any man worth all your good energy isn’t going to give that up b/c he had sex with you too soon. But if it’s a fear of you getting hurt by the wrong one getting the goods-then will u be less hurt if he fucked up and didn’t get the goods? Meaning- is the source of pain that he had sex and was a jackass or that he’s just a jackass- where is it really stemming from?

BBG– I think because my sex & emotions are so intertwined I get upset that I got so emotionally invested that I let him into my sexual realm. So if he’s an asshole it’s too late I’ve already let him in.

AD– Got ya- so sex is inextricably tied to emotions for you- and often catapult those feelings into over drive. Have u given up on vibrators?

BBG-Yup. I’m naturally an over-lover & a fierce nurturer so I can’t control how I feel. So I am trying to refrain from doing things that exacerbate that preexisting condition. And I kind of have because the power & allure of sex isnt about the orgasm. It’s about the connection. The hands, the mouth, the skin to skin, eye to eye thing.

AD-From one nurturer to another- I understand that. Get that energy into some other vents some kind of way

BBG-That’s why I’ve been doing a lot of blogging & working & volunteering & trying not to focus on it lol

AD– Lmao. You sound like u in a heat

BBG-I am! ALL THE DAMN TIME!

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Black Girls Be Trying to Lighten the Mood… with Wine

Ok ok ok I know I got really mushy on the last post. And if you are a punk like me you are trying to figure out what to do with all those fuzzy things in your chest.  And the answer is pour yourself a glass of wine, or 3, and watch this:

Now if you didnt even find that mildly amusing I want you to exit out of this browser, erase all the cookies and history and pretend as if you dont know that this blog exists because you are an alien life form and you already know too much about my life.  Please dont anally probe me.

Black Girls Be Wanting to Be Mrs. Black Girl

I dont do this often but I was out with a bunch of really great young women.  And when a bunch of young professional single women get together what do they talk about? Marriage!! So they brought up these two Youtube videos and they just… You have to watch. These two videos have me verklempt and I am trying to share the emotional misery. 🙂

Enjoy!

Musical Theatre + Wedding = LOVE! And if that wasnt enough to get you all weepy check this one!

I know Im only almost 23 but this makes me want to go white dress shopping. So #FutureHusband Im prayerfully waiting….

Black Girls Be Pushing the Bounds of their Celibacy

If it seems like I have been talking about sex, and/or the lack thereof, it is because I have.  I am a sexual person.  I didnt know it then but if I knew what sexual desires were I would have known something was up when I was 7 and had fuzzy feelings deep in the pit of my stomach every time I saw the Black Ranger on Power Rangers.  Or every time Urkel turned into Stephan on Family Matters.  I didnt know then but if I had known I would have.

So now here I am, almost 23 years old and I am trying really hard to be celibate. No.  Actually Im not trying really hard at all.  Im not trying to not have sex.  Im just not doing it.  I have not met a man yet within a 30 mile radius that makes me want to have sex.  Shoot, I havent met a man in a 30 mile radius that makes me want to shave my legs.  I havent had the urge to kiss or touch or anything anyone.  And its not that Im not trying.  In the span of 3 days I went on 3 separate dates with 3 different guys.  And each time…nothing.  It was nice to be out of the house and talking to someone.  The company was decent but  that’s about it.  I was almost starting to think it was me.

And then last night I spoke to my “ex” (ex in quotations because we were never officially together but he might as well have been).  When we were at our height, he was the love of my life/the thorn in my side/my affliction/my cure all in the span of a week.  He knew me so well that it scared me because he would tell me things that I only let myself think about at 2 am on a moonless night.  He knew me like that.  Still does.  But he used that knowledge to his advantage and played on all the insecurities that I laid so bare.  He was an asshole and I loved him and hated him for it.

Its been over a year since we were serious and now that time has passed we have reached an understanding.  We are at a place where we have both grown and we recognize that but we both know each other’s boundaries and tells so we are very comfortable.  Too comfortable.  Because we have a connection that wont release us.  We had some of the best conversations I ever had in my life and we had some of the best sex I ever had in my life and yes those two things are very much related.

This connection is so strong that when we talk and get past all the pleasantries and we get into the meat of whatever we are talking about, whether its politics or our plans for the future or whatever, I start playing in my hair and my skin gets hot and my thighs start to rub together.  And he says whenever you call me my heart beats fast. Mind you, he is in Maryland and I am in North Carolina but without fail it happens.  Every. Single. Time.

We laugh and say that we are meant to be each others life long mistresses. I roll my eyes but deep deep deep deep way deep down I know that he means it. And it scares me because maybe I mean it too.  Because we have an addiction for one another.  When we would visit each other we could barely leave the house.  Looking back on it, its funny but its not. Because I know that that feeling didnt die when we ended our relationship.

But what does all of this have to do with celibacy.  I dont know. Maybe I just wanted to talk about sex.  But I guess Im saying that I want a man who challenges my celibacy.  Not in the literal sense that he tries to manipulate me into doing something I dont want to do.  But someone that has it so together and stimulates my mind and stirs my soul so much that I want to give him my body.  I want an even deeper passion with someone that is truly ready for it.  Someone that makes me want to give up this whole celibacy thing but loves and respects me enough to tell me “No. Let’s wait”.  Yeah, that’s what I want.

Black Girls Dont Be Wanting to Be Kim K

Today Kanye tweeted about his new song “Perfect Bitch,” which is about his girlfriend, Kim Kardashian and then he posted that picture with the caption “MERCY!” *Sigh*

Now being that Kim K and Kanye have become media whores I wouldn’t put it past them that she thought it was cute that he wrote a song about her and used the crassness of the title as promotion. I mean Im blogging about it aint I? But I wonder if there’s a part of Kimberly that wishes that the man that “loves” her wouldnt use her for publicity.

Kimberly is bad, in that racially ambiguous, long hair, light skin kind of way.  She has all the best parts of a Black woman, socially acceptable and long hair of a white woman and the money of an old white man.  What isn’t to love? Wait… I dont know Kimberly personally and she may be a very nice person but she seems so… kept.  Like Nora in Ibsen’s A Doll’s House, she always looks fragile and managed.  Like she has never laughed or cried if it wasnt for public fodder and a fat check.  She is no longer a person, she is a brand and every step she takes affects the livelihoods of hundreds of people. (Yes hundreds, if you think about the people that work for her shows, her management companies, her family, her Shoedazzle company and whatever other enterprises she has. Hundreds.)

I, on the other hand, will never be bad.  And I am ok with that.  I am short, thick and brown with natural hair and my skin goes from caramel complected to rich cocoa with red undertones depending on the season.  I throw my head back and make ungodly noises when I laugh and I wear my emotions on my sleeve.  I do what makes me happy without apology.  And when I am in a relationship I hardly ever feel like an accessory.

Kimberly is a trophy.  There have been so many song lyrics and pop culture references made about her that she is no longer herself.  She is a symbol, a walking allegory of status and wealth and racial and sexual politics.  So that is why that photo is so telling; a faceless woman with long hair, ample behind and her back exposed and his very expensive and very exclusive car.  His possessions, limited edition commodities that he has.  Look at me yall, dont you want what I got?

And the answer is, I dont.