Black Girls Be Feeling Some Kinda Way: Fireman Sam

Ok so in a recent post I briefly mentioned that I sorta kinda not really may have a teensy weensy bit of feelings about this guy that I met online that I donned Fireman Sam (If you are a Black Girl Blue vet you know how I like to nickname my “potentials” even though none of them have lasted past two posts. Hmmmm I need to reflect on some thangs.) Anyway, well in this new found venture of “learning how to date” I have been trying to play “THE GAME.”  You know, dont kiss on the first date, wait 3 days to call, let the man make the first move… blah, blah, blah.  I dont necessarily prescribe to any of these “rules’ as the recipe for success.  In fact, I find them quite patriarchal but I am trying something new because most of my past relationships have gone something like this:

I like you. Do you like me? No? Ok. Moving on

OR

I like you. Do you like me? Yes? Let’s be together. You’re not ready for that? Ok Moving on.

OR

I like you. Do you like me? Yes? Let’s be together. Ok? Ok.

This has my modus operandi.  Why you ask. Great question! Because I am assertive, strong-willed, determined and when I see something that I want I go after it. Period.  And it doesnt help that even though I stand at a self-proclaimed 5’2″ in my mind I am a 6’5″ 280lb big black man with like a 13’… well you get the picture. I am a big person with a big personality that doesnt understand no and thinks its a sin to miss an opportunity.  This has done wonders for my professional life! But my personal one, eh, not so much.

So back to Fireman Sam.  I haven’t really been cataloging my online dating woes but since I havent come up here slinging flowers and quoting Stevie Wonder lyrics its pretty safe to assume that I havent found THE ONE.  I’ve gone a few dates but I havent felt that thing with anyone yet.

Then I went out with Fireman Sam.  We met at a little restaurant/bar near downtown and ate and drank a lil and talked for hours without it feeling like hours.  I was smiling and he was smiling and we were smiling and it felt nice.  Shoot, it felt nice to feel something.  We got ice cream cones and I even went to his apartment.

Now lets stop right there for a moment.  I know it is not the smartest thing to do on a first date.  But I think I am a pretty decent judge of character and I am very aware of my surroundings.  But Im sure women who have been chopped up in little pieces thought the same things. *Le sigh* Ok guys, I wont do that again. Scouts honor!

So we are at his apartment that was admittedly VERY bachelory. (Bachelory- full of character, see also messy) We started watching Kill Bill and switched to Deathproof and at midnight he sang Happy Birthday to me and we took a shot.  I was cuddled in his arms and he kissed my forehead and rubbed my cheek and it was so very… nice.  But I’m a “good girl” so I left before my night time nature took hold.  And yes, I floated home.  The next night I spent a few late night hours with him and again his energy was great.  And at the end of the night he kissed me.  I wont say that fireworks went off or anything but there was definitely a spark.

So the next day I decide not to call or text him to see if he would contact me.  He didnt. I let the entire day pass, which is big for me. The following day I text him and the conversation is lackluster.  Later that night I was out with my family at the Durham Bulls game and he texts me… Im gonna let you see it for yourself.

Ummm….. what?

To which I responded, “No. I don’t. But I respect your honesty. It was fun nevertheless.” And all his 29-year-old wisdom and maturity he ended the conversation with “;,)” Is that a cry face? Are you 14? Is this real life?

IS THIS REAL LIFE?

So I did what any warm blooded American woman would do in this situation, I screenshot the conversation and sent it to my two best girl friends.  After we laughed at the audacity of it all, I searched them for answers and I searched myself.  I am glad that he told me within a week what his intentions were.  It saved me a whole lot of time, energy, heart-space and gas (and we all know gas aint cheap).  I am also proud that I stuck to my guns and my morals when I was with him.  My actions and energy made it clear that I was not easy conquest and would not be satisfied as another notch in his bedpost nor as just another woman holding his fire hose. (See what I did there? There may be some more bad fireman puns coming your way. You have been warned.)

But I must admit that I was a little hurt, a little disappointed. I actually felt something with him, and I havent felt anything for anyone, especially anyone knew in at least a year and a half.  I miss the feeling.

But all in all I m glad that everything went the way it did because if he had waited a couple months or a year and THEN told me he was a manwhore I would have had to set his house on fire, while he was at work. LOL I kid. But can you imagine being a firefighter and getting a call and its to your address? Awkwarddd! Nevertheless, I hope he is keeping his pole clean cuz there’s no telling how many people have slid down it.

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Black Girls Be Talking to Other Black Girls About Sex

First of all let me say that this is a scary blog post to release to the world because it is so very honest.  This is literally a text conversation that I had with previously featured Awkward Duck.  She is my home girl and we have very open conversations but this is one that I think deserves a platform for discussion.  *This is slightly explicit and there is a cuss word or two, just so you know. It has only been edited slightly for typos and comprehension but not for content and all italics is me giving you some insight. In theatre, that is called an aside.*

Welcome the Real World of the Blue Black Girl!

Me (The Blue Black Girl): I’m having a problem rectifying my desire for celibacy with my belief in sex positivity. And I need to be strong in this before I really get into a situation with a man that makes me feel things. Cuz I was already feeling something with Fireman Sam(Fireman Sam is a guy I met online that I have hung out with twice and I like him and could possibly really like him. And he’s a fireman and his name is Sam. Fireman Sam). And both times as soon as I felt it I bolted as fast as I could. What do you suggest?

Her (Awkward Duck):Well, for starters- I love that you call him Fireman Sam. Lol- ok now that that’s out the way, why is it that you want to practice celibacy? What do you want to accomplish. I think it’s important to note that you can be sexually positive and affirming without having sex. It simply means you support the autonomy over ones sexual wants/desires/acts. Celibacy isn’t the antithesis of this. Celibacy can be fruitful and healing- as long as your reasons for doing it is your own- and not from someone else’s values. The conflict you feel around guys is a natural physical response to wanting to have sex! But I’d suggest you revisit what you want and are your actions and decisions reflecting that. And that’s it not….this is what someone else said would get me what I want. If celibacy is what you want- you should express this at some point with your male friends

BBG-Mmm that’s a lot to discern. I believe that I want to be celibate for selfish & pure reasons & I’m having problems unpacking that. I am celibate because I, (my government name), want to have a chance to get to know a man & decide on him before my loins do. I think I have lost trust in my body because the people my body craves haven’t necessarily been good for my heart. I need to heal that rift between my soul & my sexuality. And then there is religious guilt. When I’m sexing someone I have feelings for it feels good in the moment & while we’re in love but when it doesn’t work I feel like God is punishing me for my lack of control & purity. And then there is the “My pussy’s too damn good mentality.” And not wanting to waste a perfectly good interaction with someone who doesn’t deserve it.

AD-Mmmm that’s good. But it seems like the issues flow from 1- religious morals and 2- your inability to separate the sex from expectations

BBG– Indeed. Because I don’t know how to half ass sex. So when I do it I go balls to the wall, all emotions everything. Just everything laid out bare. And I am disappointed if I’m not matched in my efforts.

AD-What is it that you deserve? What is it you want? (both rhetorical) sex is also healing, and reciprocal and there’s no better feeling than knowing you have control over letting yourself feel good. The muddled perceptions we have on sex from different parts of ourselves make it hard. So we create alotta stress on something so pure. And hey, it happens. Maybe it is good that you push back until you clear it with self. I just don’t want you sexually oppressing yourself or giving yourself guilt trips over something naturally and divinely made. I went back and forth- making myself stop using vibrators. Suppressing my wants. And there’s good in practicing strong will- I was driving myself crazy until I released it all. If I’m celibate it’s to allow my womb to heal-or to refocus- but it’s not a source of guilt for me anymore

BBG– I understand. And you’re completely right. I just don’t trust myself. My body is impulsive & assertive but in my mind I want to take time & let the man take the lead, at least at first. Because I feel that a man will take almost anything that’s offered on a silver platter. But I want to give myself to a man that truly wants me & not just my body. I just dont trust myself to make the right decision when it comes to men & relationships & sex. So it’s easier & admittedly lazier to put it on God or the man. But that’s not fair.

AD– Well that’s honest and real. I just wanna also note that you’re great- and that any man worth all your good energy isn’t going to give that up b/c he had sex with you too soon. But if it’s a fear of you getting hurt by the wrong one getting the goods-then will u be less hurt if he fucked up and didn’t get the goods? Meaning- is the source of pain that he had sex and was a jackass or that he’s just a jackass- where is it really stemming from?

BBG– I think because my sex & emotions are so intertwined I get upset that I got so emotionally invested that I let him into my sexual realm. So if he’s an asshole it’s too late I’ve already let him in.

AD– Got ya- so sex is inextricably tied to emotions for you- and often catapult those feelings into over drive. Have u given up on vibrators?

BBG-Yup. I’m naturally an over-lover & a fierce nurturer so I can’t control how I feel. So I am trying to refrain from doing things that exacerbate that preexisting condition. And I kind of have because the power & allure of sex isnt about the orgasm. It’s about the connection. The hands, the mouth, the skin to skin, eye to eye thing.

AD-From one nurturer to another- I understand that. Get that energy into some other vents some kind of way

BBG-That’s why I’ve been doing a lot of blogging & working & volunteering & trying not to focus on it lol

AD– Lmao. You sound like u in a heat

BBG-I am! ALL THE DAMN TIME!

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Black Girls Be Pushing the Bounds of their Celibacy

If it seems like I have been talking about sex, and/or the lack thereof, it is because I have.  I am a sexual person.  I didnt know it then but if I knew what sexual desires were I would have known something was up when I was 7 and had fuzzy feelings deep in the pit of my stomach every time I saw the Black Ranger on Power Rangers.  Or every time Urkel turned into Stephan on Family Matters.  I didnt know then but if I had known I would have.

So now here I am, almost 23 years old and I am trying really hard to be celibate. No.  Actually Im not trying really hard at all.  Im not trying to not have sex.  Im just not doing it.  I have not met a man yet within a 30 mile radius that makes me want to have sex.  Shoot, I havent met a man in a 30 mile radius that makes me want to shave my legs.  I havent had the urge to kiss or touch or anything anyone.  And its not that Im not trying.  In the span of 3 days I went on 3 separate dates with 3 different guys.  And each time…nothing.  It was nice to be out of the house and talking to someone.  The company was decent but  that’s about it.  I was almost starting to think it was me.

And then last night I spoke to my “ex” (ex in quotations because we were never officially together but he might as well have been).  When we were at our height, he was the love of my life/the thorn in my side/my affliction/my cure all in the span of a week.  He knew me so well that it scared me because he would tell me things that I only let myself think about at 2 am on a moonless night.  He knew me like that.  Still does.  But he used that knowledge to his advantage and played on all the insecurities that I laid so bare.  He was an asshole and I loved him and hated him for it.

Its been over a year since we were serious and now that time has passed we have reached an understanding.  We are at a place where we have both grown and we recognize that but we both know each other’s boundaries and tells so we are very comfortable.  Too comfortable.  Because we have a connection that wont release us.  We had some of the best conversations I ever had in my life and we had some of the best sex I ever had in my life and yes those two things are very much related.

This connection is so strong that when we talk and get past all the pleasantries and we get into the meat of whatever we are talking about, whether its politics or our plans for the future or whatever, I start playing in my hair and my skin gets hot and my thighs start to rub together.  And he says whenever you call me my heart beats fast. Mind you, he is in Maryland and I am in North Carolina but without fail it happens.  Every. Single. Time.

We laugh and say that we are meant to be each others life long mistresses. I roll my eyes but deep deep deep deep way deep down I know that he means it. And it scares me because maybe I mean it too.  Because we have an addiction for one another.  When we would visit each other we could barely leave the house.  Looking back on it, its funny but its not. Because I know that that feeling didnt die when we ended our relationship.

But what does all of this have to do with celibacy.  I dont know. Maybe I just wanted to talk about sex.  But I guess Im saying that I want a man who challenges my celibacy.  Not in the literal sense that he tries to manipulate me into doing something I dont want to do.  But someone that has it so together and stimulates my mind and stirs my soul so much that I want to give him my body.  I want an even deeper passion with someone that is truly ready for it.  Someone that makes me want to give up this whole celibacy thing but loves and respects me enough to tell me “No. Let’s wait”.  Yeah, that’s what I want.

Black Girls be Celibate… And it’s ok

I’m tired but I am really trying to do the #30in30 blog challenge & blog every day this month.

I finished The Shack today. And I will write about it soon but I need to digest it all into my heart. It was so deep.

But something else happened today. I gave the guy I asked free reign to ask me anything he wanted to. So he asked me what my favorite position was. I played innocent and said favorite position in what? He replied Sex.

I knew what he was talking about and I knew the answer but I didnt answer. I didn’t answer because of all the things that an answer would imply. Answering that question would imply that I was comfortable enough with him to give him details that even some of my intimate partners didn’t know. Giving him that information would give him premature access into a club that I’m not sure if he’s worthy to join. Plait stated, if he’s meant to know he’ll know.

I felt that I made the right choice & felt just in that moment. But I also felt like he deserved the truth. We have been talking for a few weeks and though we mention sex in jest I haven’t told him the truth. So I told him that I’m not interested in having sex with anyone for a while. And even that is a half truth. I really don’t want to have sex until I’m married.

So I told him this. And said that if he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore I’d understand. I wanted to give the young man an out. Just because I’ve made this choice does not mean I expect all people to do the same. Everything ain’t for everybody. To be honest I don’t even know if it’s for me. But I’m praying on it and asking God to speak to my heart & calm my nature.

And even though it wasn’t a huge gesture and we shall see if his actions match, this young man said something that made me look at him & me & God in a different light. He said, “This doesn’t change anything.” I swooned. I’ll admit it. I tried to maintain my composure but I couldn’t stop smiling.

I don’t know what will happen between this young man and I but I respect him and appreciate him respecting me. And I thank God for reminding me that a true love will not love me for what I do but who I am. And I want to encourage myself to remain on this path of celibacy. Even when it gets hard. Or soft. Or cold and lonely. It will be worth it.

Black Girls Be DC Chillin: The Adventures of Awkward Duck & Me Pt 1

This all started several months ago when Awkward Duck (who will henceforth be known as Duck(If you are a 5 Heartbeats fan as I am you will understand how happy that makes my heart & if you have never seen the 5 Heartbeats, make it happen)) called me and asked if I wanted to go with her to DC for a fast and vigil against the death penalty.  Duck works for a national organization that works with states to appeal the death penalty.  She needed a volunteer and my travel, lodging and registration would all be covered.  Of course I said Of course! Social justice+Free Trip=Im in there! I hadnt been to DC since a school trip way back in ’99 and I had heard so many great things about Chocolate City so I was excited.  Time finally comes and I hop on a bus and travel the 5 hours to DC.  Duck meets me at the station and we make our way to drop off our luggage.

Now I knew we were staying in a shelter.  She even asked if that was ok and I told her yeah.  All the other activists were staying there and I wanted to be down for the cause.  Well I dont know what I thought a shelter was but this was a REAL shelter.  The info said there was a separate section for volunteers and activists doing work in DC but it was nothing more than a partitioned room with monitors(residents with some sort of responsibility) on one side and us on the other.  These were prison bunk beds with one inch cots.  You even had to take your own toilet paper to the bathroom.  Needless to say I was apprehensive but I tried to hide it as I made up my bed.  So we put our stuff down and went out to explore DC.  We walked to the Supreme Court to see if anyone from our group was there.  There wasnt but instead we found the reporters still camped out as Thursday was the historic day that the justices upheld the Affordable Care Act (otherwise known as Obamacare) as constitutional.  Duck kept saying that she wished we had gotten to DC earlier so that we could have been there when the decision came down.  Reports say that there were thousands of people out celebrating the good news and a few who were against it.

We began to walk in search of something to drink because we had both been on buses all day and were parched.  We finally found a place, got smoothies and sat on a bench for an hour and a half talking, laughing and watching people go by.  Duck bought a few Groupons because someone got her credit card information and bought $200 worth of merchandise at a Coach store in New Jersey.  She went ahead and bought the Groupons so that she would have at least 2 meals before her card was cut off. So that night we had Indian.  It was really good but I didnt finish so I had leftovers for later.  From there she took me over to U street and my life has never been the same!  There were so many good looking Black folks! And the brothers… ooh the brothers.  Just chocolate and well dressed and looking like they had all kinds of health, dental and eye benefits.

SIDE NOTE: I am not a gold digger.  I could care less what a man makes however I know the importance of good benefits.  And as a bearer of life it is my responsibility to make sure that my future kids have benefits. That is all.

We just walked around looking.  I am celibate (at least I am going to try really REALLY hard) but after seeing all the menses I knew that I would need to do my bible study and say all my prayers while I was there.  By now Duck decided that we wouldnt stay in the shelter.  She said she saw the look on my face even though I tried to hide it and that we would stay with her homeboy in Maryland.  I cant even lie and say that I wasnt glad she made that decision.  We made our way back to the shelter to get our stuff & as we were about to run up the steps to our room the man at the front desk bellows “HEY! HEY! HEY!” all loud and aggressive.  Duck was in front of me so she comes back down the steps.  He asks where we were going and she says we’re with the fast and vigil, the activists.  “You can talk nicer than that though,” she adds and we go on upstairs.  We thought that was the end of it so she goes to the bathroom as I unmake my bed and pack my stuff.  Next thing I know Duck comes in telling me to hurry up cuz they are trying to call the cops on her.  I move as fast as I can, hoping that this is a misunderstanding.  But as I get down the stairs I see the man from the front desk fussing with Duck and literally carrying her stuff out the door.  We get outside and they are going at it! So we pump off(translation: walk off with attitude) but two men are following us.  They are telling us to wait so we can talk about what happened.  As the bystander I gave them my unbiased account.  It really wasnt that serious and that man blew it way out of proportion.  We let bygones be bygones even though the man never apologized and walked to the metro to go to Duck’s friend’s house.

As we were getting off the train, my heavy bag cracked my pinky nail and it started to bleed (this is important 1) because it REALLY hurt and 2) I asked about 20 people over the course of 3 days if they had a nail clipper and they all said NO. Clearly DC folks dont get hang nails.).  He picked us up, took us to his house and after showering we all laid down on his California king and though this may sound a lil kinky, I promise there was no sex in the champagne room.  I was knocked out!

And if I knew then what I knew now I would have cherished that sleep cuz I was definitely going to need it.