Black Girls be Tweeting about Relationships

I dont usually do this but I wanted to share a Twitter conversation that I had yesterday. I hope you enjoy and especially if you are a fella I would love to hear your thoughts.

  1. fromraewithlove
    So not too long ago, this brother I knew told me I wasn’t the type of woman that men felt like they needed rescue. So of course, I’m like ??
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:19:37
  2. fromraewithlove
    (mind you he works in law enforcement) and proceeded to tell me because I have my ish together, I’m not about to be on the street, don’t
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:20:24
  3. fromraewithlove
    have any kids,and appear to be handling everything on my own – men will never feel like they need to rescue me.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:21:12
  4. fromraewithlove
    In other words – there was no “visible struggle” as far as he could see. Of course this goes back to my post on the perils of strength.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:21:48
  5. fromraewithlove
    So before I hung up on him, I, of course being me, gave him a few choice words to allow him to marinate on….
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:22:51
  6. fromraewithlove
    Most women out here are handling their business becuse they HAVE to. Not like there’s a choice.There is, but the streets are cold and shit.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:23:30
  7. fromraewithlove
    So for a man to tell me I’m not the saving type, well then who is? I mean who doesn’t need to be loved, assisted, etc these days?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:24:28
  8. fromraewithlove
    And better yet, if a woman is of the saving type is that the only qualification needed?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:25:31
  9. fromraewithlove
    Because looka here, if I list what is really happening in this here world of mine? You’re either going to run or you’ll jump in and help.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:26:01
  10. fromraewithlove
    That statement has stayed with me. More so because I see men around me “rescuing” women every day. And of course … me being me…
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:27:02
  11. fromraewithlove
    So – let me ask the brothers on my TL a question – what moves you to rescue/save/bail a woman out of a situation?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:29:18
  12. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove overdone fantasies and unchecked chivalry. It gotta have limits. Dudes out here playing Capt. Save ’em on assumptions.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:51:04
  13. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove maybe, but moreso personal experiences. I was THE Capt. Save ’em. It took feeling like I was being used learn being the
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:11:15
  14. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove knight in shining armor is not necessarily always good. A man can’t ascribe the traits of being a damsel in distress to
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:12:56
  15. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove every woman. Doing so assumes that they are worthy of the benefits of being saved. Each man has to figure out which woman
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:14:03
  16. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove is worth being saved. All should be treated with respect, yes. Each man has that one he is supposed to protect, save, etc.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:15:47
  17. MadameMonarch
    @fromraewithlove’s tweets remind me of an ep. of Will & Grace where someone told Her she couldn’t get a man b/c she was too well cared for
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:31:57
  18. MadameMonarch
    I consider myself to be a well cared for woman. I don’t carry my burdens on my sleeve. I was raised with a sense of respectable discretion
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:33:34
  19. MadameMonarch
    As a society what are telling men that makes them believe that if they aren’t fixing something they aren’t needed?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:36:12
  20. DarrkGable
    @MadameMonarch *whispers* thank extreme feminism *ducks shots* it’s gonna sound crass, but the “independent woman” created that dynamic.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:43:31
  21. MadameMonarch
    Fellas, lets be clear. I have a father. He is very capable & did his job.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:40:24
  22. MadameMonarch
    If I enter into a relationship with you I am not seeking a daddy replacement. Know your role. Play your part.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:42:05
  23. MadameMonarch
    Because believe you & me. He has done things for me you will never do. And you will do things for me he never could.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:42:48
  24. MadameMonarch
    @DarrkGable What can be done to create an environment where all parties understand that the “feminist” needs love & companionship as well?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:44:55
  25. MadameMonarch
    I consider myself a womanist. I want equal pay. I want my gender-specific health care needs to be met. I want respect.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:46:17
  26. MadameMonarch
    I want these things and many more but I also want to be held & loved & challenged by a romantic partner.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:47:07
  27. MadameMonarch
    I do not consider these needs to be dichotomous. I don’t understand why we paint them as such.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:47:59
  28. DarrkGable
    @MadameMonarch first figure out if they understand it. Then the “we’re here to help each other” convo. We need women, women need us. Period.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:47:52
  29. MadameMonarch
    Fellas, do y’all understand that when we as women fight for ourselves we are not fighting against you?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:48:55
  30. MadameMonarch
    @DarrkGable Do I walk up to a man & say I need you but not in the way you think. So stop trying to save me & just love me. Just be there.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:19:44
  31. fromraewithlove
    @DarrkGable @MadameMonarch I have the same issue. But the others? Well, look bruh I need your love and support. Do right by me. You know?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:46:13
  32. fromraewithlove
    So check this – I am a woman, I am pro-women and pro women’s rights. But ummm, I still need a man. I am not of the school who is anti-man.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:48:44
  33. fromraewithlove
    I am the woman who still believes in our men, loves hard and can defer and submit to the right one. Sue me.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:50:43
  34. fromraewithlove
    And frankly, as the current head of my household, the job is open to be filled for the right man. I’m willing to assist and help all day.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:51:37
  35. fromraewithlove
    Of course things have changed in today’s time, but I still believe there is a way for things to be done for the household.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:53:32
  36. fromraewithlove
    And if you’re the right one? You are the head of the household, not me. Just know you have a help meet strong enough to actually help. Amen.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:54:08
  37. fromraewithlove
    I am assertive and can def be a piece of work. So I want a man that can look at me, tell me to have a seat and pipe down – and I trust him.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:55:31
  38. fromraewithlove
    So then I shut it, have a seat and pipe down – because well, I trust him – his actions, judgment, decisions.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:56:18
  39. fromraewithlove
    Submission is not negative. If he’s not worthy of submitting to? Don’t marry him. You’ll be sorry. But if he is? Then well, you’re safe.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:57:23
  40. fromraewithlove
    Not to mention, if you really study marriage, then we as women would gain more respect for what men are responsible for (Christians prespec)
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:58:07
  41. fromraewithlove
    I want a man stronger than me. My strength is not going to scare off the right one. And his strength can temper my need to be in control.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:59:06
  42. fromraewithlove
    So all this stuff about not submitting? If you read abt it I guarantee it’ll change the way you date, look at men, etc.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:00:15
  43. fromraewithlove
    So the throught of having to submit to certain men? Hell no. Never.But there are some? That a woman can trust to give this gift.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:01:24
  44. fromraewithlove
    BTW, all of this is applied in terms of marriage. I may be a sinner but I know right from wrong. And as women we need to stop
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:02:16
  45. fromraewithlove
    submitting to men in month one or two and providing every marital benefit in the book. Trust me. I am guilty of this.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:02:58
  46. fromraewithlove
    You need to have a heart that can be submissive and not combative. Something about you needs to show him you can submit.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:03:50
  47. fromraewithlove
    But as for full submission before he’s ever worked for it, proven he deserves it, given you a ring, had some counseling? Nawl.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:04:29
  48. fromraewithlove
    Submission is a gift. Once again, not for every man we date or fall for (being real here). It’s for the right man.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:05:12
  49. fromraewithlove
    And I am sure I will be reamed for this whole submission thing. Fine. I’ll take that. But I believe in order.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:06:51
  50. fromraewithlove
    I may act like a heathen from time to time (DJM) but ummm, there really is an order to things whether we like it or not.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:07:38
  51. fromraewithlove
    So ladies, read about it. Men, read about it. Both sides need to understand what it really means before getting all murried and stuff.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:08:29
  52. fromraewithlove
    Man – if you have a woman, a wife, submitting to you, then there is a major responsibility on your shoulders. I respect that.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:09:10
  53. fromraewithlove
    In that submission, men have a HUGE accountability factor. So ladies, if you have a good man (husband)? Listen to him.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:11:06
  54. fromraewithlove
    And ladies, if you can’t see yourself being able to follow this man, submit to him and trust his judgment? You’re in the wrong place.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:11:38
  55. fromraewithlove
    I have often had to eval men in my life like this – like am I really going to let this man decide my life for me? Do I trust him?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:12:11
  56. fromraewithlove
    If that’s a no – you need to run and have a seat somewhere safe. I’ve only met a few men in my time I would trust with my life.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:12:51
  57. fromraewithlove
    And Lord knows I have chosen some bad ones to submit to and trust – too soon, too early, out of order and when they didn’t deserve it.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:13:45
  58. fromraewithlove
    Now I’m just real with it. How would you expect a man to take care of you when he’s done nothing for you but waste your time?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:14:17
  59. fromraewithlove
    BTW, him buying meals and little trinkets doesn’t indicate you should submit. Money is not an indicator of a would-be good husband.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:15:30
  60. fromraewithlove
    Money is an indicator that he has money. (LOL). The question is, is he generous, patient and kind? Not, girl – he has a _____ and a _____
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:16:31
  61. fromraewithlove
    All that ___ and a ____ can be lost overnight. Figure out/watch/discern and listen for who you’re really dealing with less the bling
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:17:25
  62. fromraewithlove
    Wrapping up this little rant, I say all of this b/c I have made the mistake of giving that gift way too quickly. It’s still on the table.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:18:15
  63. fromraewithlove
    But it has to be given to the right one. And ladies, if you aren’t aware of it, start reading.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:19:21
  64. fromraewithlove
    That is if you’re Christian (hot, lukewarm or cold) and have a desire to be married, I rec Bunny Wilson’s “Liberated Through Submission”
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:20:10
  65. fromraewithlove
    I read that book some time ago (need to read it again) and it blew me away. I def need to re-read that thing. All her books are good.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:20:56
  66. fromraewithlove
    So yes, I am a sinner heathen and that has everything to do with this here path I’m on. I may be lukewarm some days, but I love the Lord.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:22:17

Now that you’ve read what do you think? Have you experienced this? Are you a Capt’n Save Em? Are you a damsel in distress or too well taken care of to be rescued?

Oh and dont forget to show them so love on their blogs at fromraewithlove.com and GLiP Post.

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Black Girls be Considering the Women Who Sleep

This morning I woke up and rolled over, wishing I was finding some attractive, ambitious, loving and trustworthy man laying next to me. But alas… So I went through my morning ritual; thanked God for waking me up and allowing me to see another day, checked my email, checked Facebook and checked Twitter.  And when I checked Twitter, I saw tweets about yet another ignorant comment that Todd Akin made.

You know, Todd Akin, the one that said the doctors are performing abortions on women that arent pregnant, not paying women equal to men is a matter of freedom and everyone’s all time favorite, that women dont get pregnant from legitimate rape.

My sentiments exactly Prince, my sentiments exactly.

But what really gets my head a-scratchin is the women that marry, love and, I assume, sleep with the men like Todd Akin;  Men that seem to think that women only have sex to procreate,who dont need equal pay because their manly man comes home every night from the office and brings home the bacon and that feminism is just another noisy women’s social club.

I do not expect to find and marry the perfect man but I do expect him to be a critical thinker and able to process logical thought.  In other words, he needs to act like he got some DAMN SENSE!

Another example is Mike McQueary, former assistant football coach that walked in on Sandusky raping a young boy in the shower.  I wouldnt be able to have a restful night’s rest laying next to him because I wouldnt trust him.  Any man that can walk in to a room and see a man raping someone and not do anything to stop them, would do absolutely ANYTHING if the time and/or money was right.  There is no way I could live like that, constantly looking over my shoulder because I dont think he would have my back if ish got real. Nah, Im good.

So that leaves me wondering, who are these women that sleep?  Women that can close their eyes and drift off to dreamland while laying beside an Akin or a McQueary?  This is totally different from sociopaths who hide their true natures and their mates dont know what hit them until he’s standing over them with a butcher knife. No. These are men who’s actions or words are open, well documented and they are, at the least, rationalized and, at the most,  proud of.

Are there really people that are so naive that they believe that their spouses are correct? Or are they selfish enough to believe that it doesnt matter as long as it doesnt affect them and their family? Or maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe its just about ignorance.

Ann Madoff, Bernie Madoff of the Madoff ponzi scheme that lost investors approximately $18 billion dollars, maintains that she didnt know anything about the scheme until her husband told her at the end.  Now I dont know if thats the truth or if she’s just saying that because her stylist told her she wont look good in stripes, but for argument’s sake let’s take her word for it.  What kind of marriage allows one to live lavishly for decades, raise children, go on family vacations and never sit down and really talk about the business?

Maybe I’m naive.  Maybe I expect marriage to be a true partnership.  Maybe because my parents didnt have much money to talk about & they knew the conversations could be short, even if they werent always sweet, they went ahead and let it all out.  Maybe the novel idea of financial transparency in a marriage is a fallacy created by Suze Orman and Oprah. Maybe.

But I hope that when I am blessed with my Future Husband that we are able to communicate.  Because its not just about the money, its about the relationship.  I want my husband to respect me enough to come to me as one of his most trusted advisers, so that I can point out the holes in his theory and we can work to make it stronger.  I want to be able to sit down with our bank statements and know how money is coming in and where money is going out.  And I want to be able to go into any situation with him and feel absolutely safe because he is there and I know he would give his life to protect me.  I want us to have that level of trust.  I wont be able to survive in the relationship any other way.

I dont know how some women do it.  How does one ever rest? And if they are able to sleep, what kind of person do they see in the morning when they wake up?

Black Girls be Blessed

So today I called a cab today and I got a Hispanic man. We begin to talk and he’s saying how nice a day it is (it is a beautiful day) and the conversation is going smoothly and then he asks me if I’m married…

Now let’s pause there. Because I am the daughter of a NYPD detective I always peep my surroundings.  I noticed the silver wedding band he had on so I hoped that he wasnt trying to hit on me.

But I told him No and he asked why. I said I dont know. Because who really knows why they arent married. If I Google “Black girl single” right now there will be a million articles from a million “experts” pontificating on this phenomenon.  But ultimately it boils down to not finding the right person yet.  And I just graduated from college. Whatever that means.

He asked me if I attended a church to which I said yes even though I have my problems with “church”.  He turned around, grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes and said, “God will send you a good person.  God will bless you.  Find someone that loves God and he will love you. But if he doesn’t love God he wont love you.”

And in that moment I felt a sense of peace and reassurance that I havent felt in a very long time.  It was so genuine and spiritual.  I really felt God in that moment.

I thanked and blessed him and I’ve felt glowy all day.

So thank you Jose.