I’m sleepy and it’s way past my bedtime but I amgoing to blog every day this month!
So I just want to take a quick minute and say how grateful I am for the people in my life. We have an obsession with titles and labels. Black, white, old, young, friend, lover. But the reality is that none of these things matter. The truth is that all of these labels that we stick on people so that we can feel more comfortable in our carefully categorized life are lies. I am blessed to say that I have people in my life who have performed above and beyond the role I have assigned them in my life. My closest friends are my sisters. I have no choice but to love them and when I am angry with them I know that it is from a place of love. They make me a better person. I have had male friends who have been lovers who have taught me more about genuine relationships than a “boyfriend” ever has.
I had the opportunity to spend some time with a friend like that this evening (which is why I am up at 2:30 blogging). We laugh, we joke, we tease, we question but most of all we care. And not in a superficial what can your success do for me kind of way but in a very real I want the absolute best for you kinda way. I am a better Me when I am around him because I’m not trying to be something or do something or prove something. I just am. And I wouldn’t trade our intimacy for anything.
There are so many other examples I could mention but it’s too late, I’m too tired & it would take too long. Just know that I am immeasurably blessed and I thank God for each and every person He has placed in my life. Even you.
I’m tired but I am really trying to do the #30in30 blog challenge & blog every day this month.
I finished The Shack today. And I will write about it soon but I need to digest it all into my heart. It was so deep.
But something else happened today. I gave the guy I asked free reign to ask me anything he wanted to. So he asked me what my favorite position was. I played innocent and said favorite position in what? He replied Sex.
I knew what he was talking about and I knew the answer but I didnt answer. I didn’t answer because of all the things that an answer would imply. Answering that question would imply that I was comfortable enough with him to give him details that even some of my intimate partners didn’t know. Giving him that information would give him premature access into a club that I’m not sure if he’s worthy to join. Plait stated, if he’s meant to know he’ll know.
I felt that I made the right choice & felt just in that moment. But I also felt like he deserved the truth. We have been talking for a few weeks and though we mention sex in jest I haven’t told him the truth. So I told him that I’m not interested in having sex with anyone for a while. And even that is a half truth. I really don’t want to have sex until I’m married.
So I told him this. And said that if he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore I’d understand. I wanted to give the young man an out. Just because I’ve made this choice does not mean I expect all people to do the same. Everything ain’t for everybody. To be honest I don’t even know if it’s for me. But I’m praying on it and asking God to speak to my heart & calm my nature.
And even though it wasn’t a huge gesture and we shall see if his actions match, this young man said something that made me look at him & me & God in a different light. He said, “This doesn’t change anything.” I swooned. I’ll admit it. I tried to maintain my composure but I couldn’t stop smiling.
I don’t know what will happen between this young man and I but I respect him and appreciate him respecting me. And I thank God for reminding me that a true love will not love me for what I do but who I am. And I want to encourage myself to remain on this path of celibacy. Even when it gets hard. Or soft. Or cold and lonely. It will be worth it.
Everyone wants to fly. And when you’re young you try. You flap your arms. You tie on bed sheets & towels to give yourself an extra push. You climb up to the highest peak you can find before someone older & wiser hopefully calls you back. You may even get a spanking. But it doesn’t matter. You still want to fly.
That is until you fall. It may be that first bad knee scrape off a bike from taking a corner too hard. It may be a trip & tumble in a crowded room. Or you may even get pushed, getting a mouthful of dirt. Whenever and however it happens doesn’t matter, except it does. Because in that moment most of us stop trying to fly. We decide that the pain & humiliation of the fall isn’t worth the freedom & the beauty of the flight.
That’s where I am. Aviator goggles on, bed sheet secured across my squared shoulders, arms outstretched and feet cemented to the ground. I’m stuck. I know I could fly, I should fly, hell I would fly if only I would leap. But the ground is so hard. And my heart is so fragile.
Or maybe this is Inception. Maybe I’m dreaming of a new flight when in reality I’m still laying at the bottom of an emotional ravine, too tired and too broken to do anything but dream.
I loved once. And this love was a first class, all expense paid trip to everywhere and nowhere. The kind of love that made grocery aisles exotic getaways and Wendy’s drive through five-star dining. This was “Cant get no better cuz it feels too right.” So I took it and I flew with it. I let it grow me and groom me into a groove. I fell asleep at the wheel as love took a nosedive into nothing. And just like that it was gone. Over. Maybe I didn’t learn my lesson because as soon as I was offered this Too Good to Be True love I took it. Maybe it didn’t hurt enough the first time. Or it hurt too good. Or I thought I was too good to fall again. But the truth is the flight was just that good that the fall was worth it. And it still is.
I want to fly again. I want to feel Love’s wind carry me, wrap me and deliver me to a soft, sure landing. But I’ve hit turbulence, been through a couple storms and I’m not sure my vessel can take the journey again. No. That’s a lie. I love the flight. The freedom and foolishness of it all. But it’s the fall that makes me appreciate it. It’s the fall that reminds me I’m still alive.