Black Girls Be Spiritual

I am a spiritual person. I believe there is a higher being and that we are all connected to a universal source.  I am also a Christian, raised in a Christian household and reared in a society whose rules are based in Judeo-Christian ethics.  I am a product of my environment.

Yesterday, I had a conversation with Mother Blue Black and she mentioned that a certain presidential candidate said that he cried tears of joy when the ban of Black priests was lifted by the Mormons.  Not only do I not believe that he cried tears of joy, I still am not convinced that he was built with the capabilities to emote.
But I digress…

So I responded, I don’t know how a Black person can be a Mormon.  Immediately after saying that I had to admit to myself that some people wonder how a Black person can be a Christian, especially here in America. (This is the part where you read the first section again) And sometimes I have my own problems with faith.

I have had many a conversation with many a people and ultimately I had to decide what I believed. *Not my mother, not my father but its me Oh Lord…* And here is what I have come up with:
I believe in God. I believe in all paths to God. I believe that God is love and anywhere that love is, God abounds.  And I believe that on a planet where not only do we disagree on whether Coke or Pepsi is better, there are some people who think cola is gross and then some who have never even tasted soda. So how could we all agree on one deity!? But again I am a Christian because I was raised to be so. I prescribe to The Golden Rule and choose to disregard the misogynistic, slave-holding and sexually repressive passages of the Old Testament.  Its my faith, my path and my choice.

*Some things in the world they make me mad, but its alright*

Being a Christian, I am often disheartened by the travesties that are committed in the name of God. Sometimes I think we should replace God with Love and see if statements still makes sense. “I am discriminating against you in the name of Love!” “Love is punishing you for your unholy acts!” “Love hates…” But wait. Love can’t hate. That is oxymoronic and nonsensical and just dont make no sense. Maybe then it will seek in.

This was not the post I intended to write but sometimes it beez like that.  I blame a conversation I had with a dear friend and the cloudy day.  I also blame the divisive and downright scary political climate.  And Im just another Blue Black Girl trying to find her way.

Choose love ya’ll. Choose love.

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Black Girls Be Talking to Other Black Girls About Sex

First of all let me say that this is a scary blog post to release to the world because it is so very honest.  This is literally a text conversation that I had with previously featured Awkward Duck.  She is my home girl and we have very open conversations but this is one that I think deserves a platform for discussion.  *This is slightly explicit and there is a cuss word or two, just so you know. It has only been edited slightly for typos and comprehension but not for content and all italics is me giving you some insight. In theatre, that is called an aside.*

Welcome the Real World of the Blue Black Girl!

Me (The Blue Black Girl): I’m having a problem rectifying my desire for celibacy with my belief in sex positivity. And I need to be strong in this before I really get into a situation with a man that makes me feel things. Cuz I was already feeling something with Fireman Sam(Fireman Sam is a guy I met online that I have hung out with twice and I like him and could possibly really like him. And he’s a fireman and his name is Sam. Fireman Sam). And both times as soon as I felt it I bolted as fast as I could. What do you suggest?

Her (Awkward Duck):Well, for starters- I love that you call him Fireman Sam. Lol- ok now that that’s out the way, why is it that you want to practice celibacy? What do you want to accomplish. I think it’s important to note that you can be sexually positive and affirming without having sex. It simply means you support the autonomy over ones sexual wants/desires/acts. Celibacy isn’t the antithesis of this. Celibacy can be fruitful and healing- as long as your reasons for doing it is your own- and not from someone else’s values. The conflict you feel around guys is a natural physical response to wanting to have sex! But I’d suggest you revisit what you want and are your actions and decisions reflecting that. And that’s it not….this is what someone else said would get me what I want. If celibacy is what you want- you should express this at some point with your male friends

BBG-Mmm that’s a lot to discern. I believe that I want to be celibate for selfish & pure reasons & I’m having problems unpacking that. I am celibate because I, (my government name), want to have a chance to get to know a man & decide on him before my loins do. I think I have lost trust in my body because the people my body craves haven’t necessarily been good for my heart. I need to heal that rift between my soul & my sexuality. And then there is religious guilt. When I’m sexing someone I have feelings for it feels good in the moment & while we’re in love but when it doesn’t work I feel like God is punishing me for my lack of control & purity. And then there is the “My pussy’s too damn good mentality.” And not wanting to waste a perfectly good interaction with someone who doesn’t deserve it.

AD-Mmmm that’s good. But it seems like the issues flow from 1- religious morals and 2- your inability to separate the sex from expectations

BBG– Indeed. Because I don’t know how to half ass sex. So when I do it I go balls to the wall, all emotions everything. Just everything laid out bare. And I am disappointed if I’m not matched in my efforts.

AD-What is it that you deserve? What is it you want? (both rhetorical) sex is also healing, and reciprocal and there’s no better feeling than knowing you have control over letting yourself feel good. The muddled perceptions we have on sex from different parts of ourselves make it hard. So we create alotta stress on something so pure. And hey, it happens. Maybe it is good that you push back until you clear it with self. I just don’t want you sexually oppressing yourself or giving yourself guilt trips over something naturally and divinely made. I went back and forth- making myself stop using vibrators. Suppressing my wants. And there’s good in practicing strong will- I was driving myself crazy until I released it all. If I’m celibate it’s to allow my womb to heal-or to refocus- but it’s not a source of guilt for me anymore

BBG– I understand. And you’re completely right. I just don’t trust myself. My body is impulsive & assertive but in my mind I want to take time & let the man take the lead, at least at first. Because I feel that a man will take almost anything that’s offered on a silver platter. But I want to give myself to a man that truly wants me & not just my body. I just dont trust myself to make the right decision when it comes to men & relationships & sex. So it’s easier & admittedly lazier to put it on God or the man. But that’s not fair.

AD– Well that’s honest and real. I just wanna also note that you’re great- and that any man worth all your good energy isn’t going to give that up b/c he had sex with you too soon. But if it’s a fear of you getting hurt by the wrong one getting the goods-then will u be less hurt if he fucked up and didn’t get the goods? Meaning- is the source of pain that he had sex and was a jackass or that he’s just a jackass- where is it really stemming from?

BBG– I think because my sex & emotions are so intertwined I get upset that I got so emotionally invested that I let him into my sexual realm. So if he’s an asshole it’s too late I’ve already let him in.

AD– Got ya- so sex is inextricably tied to emotions for you- and often catapult those feelings into over drive. Have u given up on vibrators?

BBG-Yup. I’m naturally an over-lover & a fierce nurturer so I can’t control how I feel. So I am trying to refrain from doing things that exacerbate that preexisting condition. And I kind of have because the power & allure of sex isnt about the orgasm. It’s about the connection. The hands, the mouth, the skin to skin, eye to eye thing.

AD-From one nurturer to another- I understand that. Get that energy into some other vents some kind of way

BBG-That’s why I’ve been doing a lot of blogging & working & volunteering & trying not to focus on it lol

AD– Lmao. You sound like u in a heat

BBG-I am! ALL THE DAMN TIME!

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Black Girls Be Choosin

Im not sure if this is a post, an essay, a poem or a song.

Im not sure if this will be short or if this will be long

All I know is that it is mine to decide.

Life is Choice.

This thing called life is nothing more than a collection of choices, both conscious and subconscious and their subsequent results.

While in DC I had an awesome talk with a woman named Ann.  I pretty woman with brown eyes, short brown hair and an easy smile. Catholic and pro-choice she didnt allow her politics to affect her pleasantries and I respected that.  I had never had a conversation about abortion in which I disagreed with the person but respected the discourse.  I told her that I, myself dont think I could go through with it.  I am a serial nurturer and I get emotional thinking about my future children but that is me.  That is my choice. I have a great many thoughts and have learned a great many things but the only thing I know for sure is that I dont know anything.  I am not bold enough to tell someone how they should live their life or use their body.  I am not bold enough to make that choice for someone else.

When my mother was pregnant with me she was 26 and unwed. Folks gave her money and told her to abort me.  She decided not to even before she knew whether or not my father would stick around.  He did.  And they have been married for 23 years.  I told Ann this and she said it was a beautiful story, which it is, and I also told her that I know I am an anomaly especially in the Black community.  But I told her that even if my mother had aborted me and my parents stayed together I would still be me.  I am more than a meeting of chromosomes.  I am experiences, situation, Choices.  I am a choice.

Im saying all that to say that yes I have decided to be celibate.  No I am not on birth control. No I have never had an abortion.  And I have refrained from these things not because of a mandate or a religion but because I chose to.  Every day I choose to live my life the way I see fit.  And I believe that everyone should have the same choice.

Black Girls Be Thinking: Ms. Badu, Fetishes and Sexual Freedom

I dont know how much you keep up with pop culture but I try to maintain a balance of detachment myself.  Because I find that so much of the pop “news” is dribble that does not enhance my life, grow my mind or touch my heart. So I avoid it.  But every once in a while something happens that actually does something to me.  And this is one such instance.

The Flaming Lips did a song featuring Erykah Badu called First Time I Ever Saw Your Face.  I had never heard it until the video was released.  I follow Ms. Badu on twitter because she is awesome (Ok let’s be clear I am an Erykah fan but this will not affect this post).  I saw her tweeting a lot and retweeting a lot of tweets and I wondered what it was all about.  I then remembered that some had folks had tweeted that Erykah had lost her mind because of some crazy video but I still had not watched it.  Again, being a fan I respect her artistry and just thought these people didnt get her.  But then I read this:

http://www.twitlonger.com/show/hno30u

For those that dont like to click or read lol, the highlights are, “You showed me a concept of beautiful tasteful imagery( by way of vid text messages) .  I trusted that. I was mistaken. Then u release an unedited, unapproved version within the next few days” and “Consequently, brother, As a human I am disgusted with your what appears to be desperation and poor execution. And disregard for others . As a director I am unimpressed . As a sociologist I understand your type. As your fellow artist I am uninspired. As a woman I feel violated and underestimated. ”  So not wanting to be biased I checked out his Twitter.  He released this photo and said:

“here’s @fatbellybella and me.. You can’t see but I’m actually holding a gun to her head making her look at the camera”

After reading that I was like What Happened!!?!? And I just knew I had to see this video even though people were describing it as graphic, perverse and disturbing.  So I watched at work because I was too scared to watch it before bed because I am a self-proclaimed scaredy cat.

I waited until everyone in the office was gone and I watched it.

I am posting a link to the video here BUT

THE VIDEO IS GRAPHIC! WATCH AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!

(Just copy and paste the link in a new tab because its acting up right now) http://perezhilton.com/tv/Flaming_Lips_Ft_Erykah_Badu_First_Time_I_Ever_Saw_Your_Face_NSFW/?id=01c9503174b06&autoplay=false

For those of you that watched, it was intense right?  Some were calling it beautiful others were calling it soft porn.  I remain conflicted.  I believe that a woman’s body is beautiful; the softness, the form, the strength. Its all very balanced and beautiful.  But as Americans we are taught that nudity always equals erotic, which it doesnt.  Why cant we look at a nude human body and see it as we see a butterfly or a hummingbird, just truly in awe of another creature’s aesthetic appeal.  And as a Black woman I am even more confounded because my body has been turned into so many things by so many people; Sexual, Menial, Unattractive, Mysterious. What am I supposed to be and what am I supposed to do?

This is a question of art vs. porn and sexual fetish vs sexual freedom.  And thats what makes Ms. Badu so unique and so important in this conversation.  Not too long ago I read a statement that Ms. Badu wrote in response to people calling her all kinds of ridiculous names because she has three children by three different men.  In a nutshell she replied that she is raising strong, respectful human beings, that she loved each man she conceived a child with and that she’s fine. In other words, Mind Yours! I respected her so much because who are these people to tell her how to use her body and how to raise her children.  This all goes back to freedom of choice and sexual freedom.

I also went down an internet rabbit hole (you know where you click one link on lolcats and 5 hours later you are on a site about illegal prostitution) and I came across a Tumblr called F*** Yeah, Feminists! and they were criticizing another Tumblr because its “fetishizes” women of color. So I checked out the blog and I was wondering if there was something wrong with me because I found the images beautiful.  Yes some of the women were nude but it was tasteful and the women were so beautiful.  And these are photos they either took, posed for or posted so they must have wanted them to be seen.  Was I missing something I asked myself.

So I ask where is that line between being fetishes and sexual freedoms? What if I make a sexual choice and someone else makes it their fetish? Should that even matter to me?  If I find me in my nudeness glorious but someone else makes it dirty whose to blame? Should I even care?

Yes, that’s the ultimate question. Should I even care?