This is the third and final post on this situation, this topic, this hurt (the other two are Black Girls Be Writing: Handle With Care and Black Girls Be Answering Their Own Questions). I just finished watching the film The Odd Life of Timothy Green and I was touched. Ok I balled my eyes out at the end and I need Puddin over at andevengreaterworks.wordpress.com to see it if she hasnt already. Without ruining the plot, it was about love and letting go.
I was already emotionally overwrought and then the end of the movie just shoved me over the edge and I checked my phone and had a message from my ex, the same one I’ve been talking about this week, his cousin sent me a message that said, “Just wanted to tell ya I love and miss ya.” (His cousin and eye grew up and were really good friends growing up) And in that moment it clicked. I got it.
So this is an apology. I have been writing and creating this alternate reality where I was doing everything and giving my all and he just broke my heart because he wouldnt have me. And though that may be my truth, it is not the reality of what happened. I was wrong. And I was selfish. Because instead of letting love live and breath, I wanted to box it up and hoard it. I wanted it on my terms and my own way. But just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to doesnt mean that they dont love you. He loves his way and I love mine. We just couldnt find a middle.
We are not bad people. We are just dynamically, extraordinarily human. And thats ok.
So I am cutting open the box that is my heart and my love. Throwing back the curtains and unlocking all the doors so that love can flow effortlessly in, out and through my life. Whether its a quick, fierce gale that comes and goes before I can lick my finger and figure its direction or a barely moving, muggy breeze that moves in, sets for a while and never really parts, I’m ready. And I welcome it all.