Black Girls be Tweeting about Relationships

I dont usually do this but I wanted to share a Twitter conversation that I had yesterday. I hope you enjoy and especially if you are a fella I would love to hear your thoughts.

  1. fromraewithlove
    So not too long ago, this brother I knew told me I wasn’t the type of woman that men felt like they needed rescue. So of course, I’m like ??
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:19:37
  2. fromraewithlove
    (mind you he works in law enforcement) and proceeded to tell me because I have my ish together, I’m not about to be on the street, don’t
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:20:24
  3. fromraewithlove
    have any kids,and appear to be handling everything on my own – men will never feel like they need to rescue me.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:21:12
  4. fromraewithlove
    In other words – there was no “visible struggle” as far as he could see. Of course this goes back to my post on the perils of strength.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:21:48
  5. fromraewithlove
    So before I hung up on him, I, of course being me, gave him a few choice words to allow him to marinate on….
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:22:51
  6. fromraewithlove
    Most women out here are handling their business becuse they HAVE to. Not like there’s a choice.There is, but the streets are cold and shit.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:23:30
  7. fromraewithlove
    So for a man to tell me I’m not the saving type, well then who is? I mean who doesn’t need to be loved, assisted, etc these days?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:24:28
  8. fromraewithlove
    And better yet, if a woman is of the saving type is that the only qualification needed?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:25:31
  9. fromraewithlove
    Because looka here, if I list what is really happening in this here world of mine? You’re either going to run or you’ll jump in and help.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:26:01
  10. fromraewithlove
    That statement has stayed with me. More so because I see men around me “rescuing” women every day. And of course … me being me…
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:27:02
  11. fromraewithlove
    So – let me ask the brothers on my TL a question – what moves you to rescue/save/bail a woman out of a situation?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:29:18
  12. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove overdone fantasies and unchecked chivalry. It gotta have limits. Dudes out here playing Capt. Save ’em on assumptions.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:51:04
  13. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove maybe, but moreso personal experiences. I was THE Capt. Save ’em. It took feeling like I was being used learn being the
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:11:15
  14. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove knight in shining armor is not necessarily always good. A man can’t ascribe the traits of being a damsel in distress to
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:12:56
  15. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove every woman. Doing so assumes that they are worthy of the benefits of being saved. Each man has to figure out which woman
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:14:03
  16. DarrkGable
    @fromraewithlove is worth being saved. All should be treated with respect, yes. Each man has that one he is supposed to protect, save, etc.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:15:47
  17. MadameMonarch
    @fromraewithlove’s tweets remind me of an ep. of Will & Grace where someone told Her she couldn’t get a man b/c she was too well cared for
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:31:57
  18. MadameMonarch
    I consider myself to be a well cared for woman. I don’t carry my burdens on my sleeve. I was raised with a sense of respectable discretion
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:33:34
  19. MadameMonarch
    As a society what are telling men that makes them believe that if they aren’t fixing something they aren’t needed?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:36:12
  20. DarrkGable
    @MadameMonarch *whispers* thank extreme feminism *ducks shots* it’s gonna sound crass, but the “independent woman” created that dynamic.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:43:31
  21. MadameMonarch
    Fellas, lets be clear. I have a father. He is very capable & did his job.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:40:24
  22. MadameMonarch
    If I enter into a relationship with you I am not seeking a daddy replacement. Know your role. Play your part.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:42:05
  23. MadameMonarch
    Because believe you & me. He has done things for me you will never do. And you will do things for me he never could.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:42:48
  24. MadameMonarch
    @DarrkGable What can be done to create an environment where all parties understand that the “feminist” needs love & companionship as well?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:44:55
  25. MadameMonarch
    I consider myself a womanist. I want equal pay. I want my gender-specific health care needs to be met. I want respect.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:46:17
  26. MadameMonarch
    I want these things and many more but I also want to be held & loved & challenged by a romantic partner.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:47:07
  27. MadameMonarch
    I do not consider these needs to be dichotomous. I don’t understand why we paint them as such.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:47:59
  28. DarrkGable
    @MadameMonarch first figure out if they understand it. Then the “we’re here to help each other” convo. We need women, women need us. Period.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:47:52
  29. MadameMonarch
    Fellas, do y’all understand that when we as women fight for ourselves we are not fighting against you?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 10:48:55
  30. MadameMonarch
    @DarrkGable Do I walk up to a man & say I need you but not in the way you think. So stop trying to save me & just love me. Just be there.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:19:44
  31. fromraewithlove
    @DarrkGable @MadameMonarch I have the same issue. But the others? Well, look bruh I need your love and support. Do right by me. You know?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:46:13
  32. fromraewithlove
    So check this – I am a woman, I am pro-women and pro women’s rights. But ummm, I still need a man. I am not of the school who is anti-man.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:48:44
  33. fromraewithlove
    I am the woman who still believes in our men, loves hard and can defer and submit to the right one. Sue me.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:50:43
  34. fromraewithlove
    And frankly, as the current head of my household, the job is open to be filled for the right man. I’m willing to assist and help all day.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:51:37
  35. fromraewithlove
    Of course things have changed in today’s time, but I still believe there is a way for things to be done for the household.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:53:32
  36. fromraewithlove
    And if you’re the right one? You are the head of the household, not me. Just know you have a help meet strong enough to actually help. Amen.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:54:08
  37. fromraewithlove
    I am assertive and can def be a piece of work. So I want a man that can look at me, tell me to have a seat and pipe down – and I trust him.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:55:31
  38. fromraewithlove
    So then I shut it, have a seat and pipe down – because well, I trust him – his actions, judgment, decisions.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:56:18
  39. fromraewithlove
    Submission is not negative. If he’s not worthy of submitting to? Don’t marry him. You’ll be sorry. But if he is? Then well, you’re safe.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:57:23
  40. fromraewithlove
    Not to mention, if you really study marriage, then we as women would gain more respect for what men are responsible for (Christians prespec)
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:58:07
  41. fromraewithlove
    I want a man stronger than me. My strength is not going to scare off the right one. And his strength can temper my need to be in control.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 11:59:06
  42. fromraewithlove
    So all this stuff about not submitting? If you read abt it I guarantee it’ll change the way you date, look at men, etc.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:00:15
  43. fromraewithlove
    So the throught of having to submit to certain men? Hell no. Never.But there are some? That a woman can trust to give this gift.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:01:24
  44. fromraewithlove
    BTW, all of this is applied in terms of marriage. I may be a sinner but I know right from wrong. And as women we need to stop
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:02:16
  45. fromraewithlove
    submitting to men in month one or two and providing every marital benefit in the book. Trust me. I am guilty of this.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:02:58
  46. fromraewithlove
    You need to have a heart that can be submissive and not combative. Something about you needs to show him you can submit.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:03:50
  47. fromraewithlove
    But as for full submission before he’s ever worked for it, proven he deserves it, given you a ring, had some counseling? Nawl.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:04:29
  48. fromraewithlove
    Submission is a gift. Once again, not for every man we date or fall for (being real here). It’s for the right man.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:05:12
  49. fromraewithlove
    And I am sure I will be reamed for this whole submission thing. Fine. I’ll take that. But I believe in order.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:06:51
  50. fromraewithlove
    I may act like a heathen from time to time (DJM) but ummm, there really is an order to things whether we like it or not.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:07:38
  51. fromraewithlove
    So ladies, read about it. Men, read about it. Both sides need to understand what it really means before getting all murried and stuff.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:08:29
  52. fromraewithlove
    Man – if you have a woman, a wife, submitting to you, then there is a major responsibility on your shoulders. I respect that.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:09:10
  53. fromraewithlove
    In that submission, men have a HUGE accountability factor. So ladies, if you have a good man (husband)? Listen to him.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:11:06
  54. fromraewithlove
    And ladies, if you can’t see yourself being able to follow this man, submit to him and trust his judgment? You’re in the wrong place.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:11:38
  55. fromraewithlove
    I have often had to eval men in my life like this – like am I really going to let this man decide my life for me? Do I trust him?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:12:11
  56. fromraewithlove
    If that’s a no – you need to run and have a seat somewhere safe. I’ve only met a few men in my time I would trust with my life.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:12:51
  57. fromraewithlove
    And Lord knows I have chosen some bad ones to submit to and trust – too soon, too early, out of order and when they didn’t deserve it.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:13:45
  58. fromraewithlove
    Now I’m just real with it. How would you expect a man to take care of you when he’s done nothing for you but waste your time?
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:14:17
  59. fromraewithlove
    BTW, him buying meals and little trinkets doesn’t indicate you should submit. Money is not an indicator of a would-be good husband.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:15:30
  60. fromraewithlove
    Money is an indicator that he has money. (LOL). The question is, is he generous, patient and kind? Not, girl – he has a _____ and a _____
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:16:31
  61. fromraewithlove
    All that ___ and a ____ can be lost overnight. Figure out/watch/discern and listen for who you’re really dealing with less the bling
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:17:25
  62. fromraewithlove
    Wrapping up this little rant, I say all of this b/c I have made the mistake of giving that gift way too quickly. It’s still on the table.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:18:15
  63. fromraewithlove
    But it has to be given to the right one. And ladies, if you aren’t aware of it, start reading.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:19:21
  64. fromraewithlove
    That is if you’re Christian (hot, lukewarm or cold) and have a desire to be married, I rec Bunny Wilson’s “Liberated Through Submission”
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:20:10
  65. fromraewithlove
    I read that book some time ago (need to read it again) and it blew me away. I def need to re-read that thing. All her books are good.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:20:56
  66. fromraewithlove
    So yes, I am a sinner heathen and that has everything to do with this here path I’m on. I may be lukewarm some days, but I love the Lord.
    Thu, Oct 04 2012 12:22:17

Now that you’ve read what do you think? Have you experienced this? Are you a Capt’n Save Em? Are you a damsel in distress or too well taken care of to be rescued?

Oh and dont forget to show them so love on their blogs at fromraewithlove.com and GLiP Post.

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Black Girls Be Talking to Other Black Girls About Sex

First of all let me say that this is a scary blog post to release to the world because it is so very honest.  This is literally a text conversation that I had with previously featured Awkward Duck.  She is my home girl and we have very open conversations but this is one that I think deserves a platform for discussion.  *This is slightly explicit and there is a cuss word or two, just so you know. It has only been edited slightly for typos and comprehension but not for content and all italics is me giving you some insight. In theatre, that is called an aside.*

Welcome the Real World of the Blue Black Girl!

Me (The Blue Black Girl): I’m having a problem rectifying my desire for celibacy with my belief in sex positivity. And I need to be strong in this before I really get into a situation with a man that makes me feel things. Cuz I was already feeling something with Fireman Sam(Fireman Sam is a guy I met online that I have hung out with twice and I like him and could possibly really like him. And he’s a fireman and his name is Sam. Fireman Sam). And both times as soon as I felt it I bolted as fast as I could. What do you suggest?

Her (Awkward Duck):Well, for starters- I love that you call him Fireman Sam. Lol- ok now that that’s out the way, why is it that you want to practice celibacy? What do you want to accomplish. I think it’s important to note that you can be sexually positive and affirming without having sex. It simply means you support the autonomy over ones sexual wants/desires/acts. Celibacy isn’t the antithesis of this. Celibacy can be fruitful and healing- as long as your reasons for doing it is your own- and not from someone else’s values. The conflict you feel around guys is a natural physical response to wanting to have sex! But I’d suggest you revisit what you want and are your actions and decisions reflecting that. And that’s it not….this is what someone else said would get me what I want. If celibacy is what you want- you should express this at some point with your male friends

BBG-Mmm that’s a lot to discern. I believe that I want to be celibate for selfish & pure reasons & I’m having problems unpacking that. I am celibate because I, (my government name), want to have a chance to get to know a man & decide on him before my loins do. I think I have lost trust in my body because the people my body craves haven’t necessarily been good for my heart. I need to heal that rift between my soul & my sexuality. And then there is religious guilt. When I’m sexing someone I have feelings for it feels good in the moment & while we’re in love but when it doesn’t work I feel like God is punishing me for my lack of control & purity. And then there is the “My pussy’s too damn good mentality.” And not wanting to waste a perfectly good interaction with someone who doesn’t deserve it.

AD-Mmmm that’s good. But it seems like the issues flow from 1- religious morals and 2- your inability to separate the sex from expectations

BBG– Indeed. Because I don’t know how to half ass sex. So when I do it I go balls to the wall, all emotions everything. Just everything laid out bare. And I am disappointed if I’m not matched in my efforts.

AD-What is it that you deserve? What is it you want? (both rhetorical) sex is also healing, and reciprocal and there’s no better feeling than knowing you have control over letting yourself feel good. The muddled perceptions we have on sex from different parts of ourselves make it hard. So we create alotta stress on something so pure. And hey, it happens. Maybe it is good that you push back until you clear it with self. I just don’t want you sexually oppressing yourself or giving yourself guilt trips over something naturally and divinely made. I went back and forth- making myself stop using vibrators. Suppressing my wants. And there’s good in practicing strong will- I was driving myself crazy until I released it all. If I’m celibate it’s to allow my womb to heal-or to refocus- but it’s not a source of guilt for me anymore

BBG– I understand. And you’re completely right. I just don’t trust myself. My body is impulsive & assertive but in my mind I want to take time & let the man take the lead, at least at first. Because I feel that a man will take almost anything that’s offered on a silver platter. But I want to give myself to a man that truly wants me & not just my body. I just dont trust myself to make the right decision when it comes to men & relationships & sex. So it’s easier & admittedly lazier to put it on God or the man. But that’s not fair.

AD– Well that’s honest and real. I just wanna also note that you’re great- and that any man worth all your good energy isn’t going to give that up b/c he had sex with you too soon. But if it’s a fear of you getting hurt by the wrong one getting the goods-then will u be less hurt if he fucked up and didn’t get the goods? Meaning- is the source of pain that he had sex and was a jackass or that he’s just a jackass- where is it really stemming from?

BBG– I think because my sex & emotions are so intertwined I get upset that I got so emotionally invested that I let him into my sexual realm. So if he’s an asshole it’s too late I’ve already let him in.

AD– Got ya- so sex is inextricably tied to emotions for you- and often catapult those feelings into over drive. Have u given up on vibrators?

BBG-Yup. I’m naturally an over-lover & a fierce nurturer so I can’t control how I feel. So I am trying to refrain from doing things that exacerbate that preexisting condition. And I kind of have because the power & allure of sex isnt about the orgasm. It’s about the connection. The hands, the mouth, the skin to skin, eye to eye thing.

AD-From one nurturer to another- I understand that. Get that energy into some other vents some kind of way

BBG-That’s why I’ve been doing a lot of blogging & working & volunteering & trying not to focus on it lol

AD– Lmao. You sound like u in a heat

BBG-I am! ALL THE DAMN TIME!

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