Black Girls be Coming Out

Happy New Year! I know it’s the 17th but I will be the obnoxious one to say Happy New Year til March. Me Nah Care! And what better way to start the new year than to come out!? No I am not talking about my sexuality even though I have some sinfully scrumptious home girls (Lana, Rell I’m lookin at ya’ll :-)). No I am talking about the blogger’s closest.

Today, January 17th, I came out to my friends and family as a blogger.  I was gonna do it at some point but being dubbed a “Fierce Female Blogger” by LC who runs Colored Girl Confidential pushed me to it (You can read the post here.) So I shared the post on Facebook so my FB folks could see and I posted this status:

I have a blog. Most of you dont know about it because I write about things that I may or may not want you to know about. But its 2013, I’m 23 years old and I write my truth. I refuse to apologize for my truth. So enjoy at your own risk 🙂 blackgirlblue.wordpress.com

And then I got scared. Remembering why I chose to blog in secret to begin with. Not wanting to hold my tongue or consider my audience. Wanting to be free to express myself without tarnishing my good girl image. Thinking back on all the posts I wrote about my crushes, my politics, celibacy and sex. Oh shoot, SEX! So I wrote this:

P.S. Mom and Dad this post does not pertain to you. You two are barred from my blog. No really. Im serious.

But they are really not the worst of my fears. I thought of my ex. The one that I am trying to be friends with. And the posts, some rather recent, that I know, if he reads them, he will know are about him.

But I have told no lies here.  And even if that truth was only truth for a moment, it was real to me when I sat down at the computer.  And I refuse to apologize or feel guilty for that.

So to all the new subscribers, readers, visitors… HEY!!! I hope you enjoy yourself but Im not sorry if you dont. Because this is my little safe place on the internet.  So sit back, relax and join me on my journey. Or dont. Its all love either way.

Oh yeah, and one more thing, if you have any issue, complaint or comment please feel free to take it up with me. I’m a big girl. I cant handle it.

~The Management

 

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Black Girls be Lusting Love

I don’t know if anyone has noticed but a lot of my recent posts have been about sex. And if they haven’t been about sex, they have mentioned, alluded to or had a connection to sex. Sex or the lack thereof. Needless, to say Black Girls Be horny.

Now that I have gotten used to horniness being a constant bedfellow and road dawg, I have gotten to the point where I can put my pen to the proverbial paper and effectively communicate why.

And the truth of the matter is, I’m horny because I’m happy. Life is good. I am living comfortably, no drama, confident in my skin, working two jobs in my field, meeting new people and experiencing new things. My life isn’t perfect but I’m content and so very blessed. And this makes me horny.

Now I’m sure there are some of you reading this like, uh duh, you’re life is good so you want to get it on. But this is really big for me. For the first time in my life I am sexually awakened by myself. Before my sexuality was based on a man. It was as if I was always waiting for a man to give me permission to have and express my sexual desires. And like a cheap wind up toy, I would wait quietly & still until someone cranked me up and wanted to play with me. I was a prisoner to my own need for acceptance, for a man to tell me what I was feeling was ok. Looking back I was in sexual bondage, going from one master to the next and allowing him to decide my fate.

But now I feel awake, conscious and present in the moment. No I am not making the beast with two backs with anyone but that doesn’t mean I can’t or won’t. Nor does it mean that my sexual appetite is any less voracious because let me tell ya… It just means that when the time comes I will be a free individual loving another free individual. Until then I will sit and enjoy this happy fuzzy lusty feeling.

Black Girls Be Feeling Some Kinda Way: Fireman Sam

Ok so in a recent post I briefly mentioned that I sorta kinda not really may have a teensy weensy bit of feelings about this guy that I met online that I donned Fireman Sam (If you are a Black Girl Blue vet you know how I like to nickname my “potentials” even though none of them have lasted past two posts. Hmmmm I need to reflect on some thangs.) Anyway, well in this new found venture of “learning how to date” I have been trying to play “THE GAME.”  You know, dont kiss on the first date, wait 3 days to call, let the man make the first move… blah, blah, blah.  I dont necessarily prescribe to any of these “rules’ as the recipe for success.  In fact, I find them quite patriarchal but I am trying something new because most of my past relationships have gone something like this:

I like you. Do you like me? No? Ok. Moving on

OR

I like you. Do you like me? Yes? Let’s be together. You’re not ready for that? Ok Moving on.

OR

I like you. Do you like me? Yes? Let’s be together. Ok? Ok.

This has my modus operandi.  Why you ask. Great question! Because I am assertive, strong-willed, determined and when I see something that I want I go after it. Period.  And it doesnt help that even though I stand at a self-proclaimed 5’2″ in my mind I am a 6’5″ 280lb big black man with like a 13’… well you get the picture. I am a big person with a big personality that doesnt understand no and thinks its a sin to miss an opportunity.  This has done wonders for my professional life! But my personal one, eh, not so much.

So back to Fireman Sam.  I haven’t really been cataloging my online dating woes but since I havent come up here slinging flowers and quoting Stevie Wonder lyrics its pretty safe to assume that I havent found THE ONE.  I’ve gone a few dates but I havent felt that thing with anyone yet.

Then I went out with Fireman Sam.  We met at a little restaurant/bar near downtown and ate and drank a lil and talked for hours without it feeling like hours.  I was smiling and he was smiling and we were smiling and it felt nice.  Shoot, it felt nice to feel something.  We got ice cream cones and I even went to his apartment.

Now lets stop right there for a moment.  I know it is not the smartest thing to do on a first date.  But I think I am a pretty decent judge of character and I am very aware of my surroundings.  But Im sure women who have been chopped up in little pieces thought the same things. *Le sigh* Ok guys, I wont do that again. Scouts honor!

So we are at his apartment that was admittedly VERY bachelory. (Bachelory- full of character, see also messy) We started watching Kill Bill and switched to Deathproof and at midnight he sang Happy Birthday to me and we took a shot.  I was cuddled in his arms and he kissed my forehead and rubbed my cheek and it was so very… nice.  But I’m a “good girl” so I left before my night time nature took hold.  And yes, I floated home.  The next night I spent a few late night hours with him and again his energy was great.  And at the end of the night he kissed me.  I wont say that fireworks went off or anything but there was definitely a spark.

So the next day I decide not to call or text him to see if he would contact me.  He didnt. I let the entire day pass, which is big for me. The following day I text him and the conversation is lackluster.  Later that night I was out with my family at the Durham Bulls game and he texts me… Im gonna let you see it for yourself.

Ummm….. what?

To which I responded, “No. I don’t. But I respect your honesty. It was fun nevertheless.” And all his 29-year-old wisdom and maturity he ended the conversation with “;,)” Is that a cry face? Are you 14? Is this real life?

IS THIS REAL LIFE?

So I did what any warm blooded American woman would do in this situation, I screenshot the conversation and sent it to my two best girl friends.  After we laughed at the audacity of it all, I searched them for answers and I searched myself.  I am glad that he told me within a week what his intentions were.  It saved me a whole lot of time, energy, heart-space and gas (and we all know gas aint cheap).  I am also proud that I stuck to my guns and my morals when I was with him.  My actions and energy made it clear that I was not easy conquest and would not be satisfied as another notch in his bedpost nor as just another woman holding his fire hose. (See what I did there? There may be some more bad fireman puns coming your way. You have been warned.)

But I must admit that I was a little hurt, a little disappointed. I actually felt something with him, and I havent felt anything for anyone, especially anyone knew in at least a year and a half.  I miss the feeling.

But all in all I m glad that everything went the way it did because if he had waited a couple months or a year and THEN told me he was a manwhore I would have had to set his house on fire, while he was at work. LOL I kid. But can you imagine being a firefighter and getting a call and its to your address? Awkwarddd! Nevertheless, I hope he is keeping his pole clean cuz there’s no telling how many people have slid down it.

Black Girls Be Talking to Other Black Girls About Sex

First of all let me say that this is a scary blog post to release to the world because it is so very honest.  This is literally a text conversation that I had with previously featured Awkward Duck.  She is my home girl and we have very open conversations but this is one that I think deserves a platform for discussion.  *This is slightly explicit and there is a cuss word or two, just so you know. It has only been edited slightly for typos and comprehension but not for content and all italics is me giving you some insight. In theatre, that is called an aside.*

Welcome the Real World of the Blue Black Girl!

Me (The Blue Black Girl): I’m having a problem rectifying my desire for celibacy with my belief in sex positivity. And I need to be strong in this before I really get into a situation with a man that makes me feel things. Cuz I was already feeling something with Fireman Sam(Fireman Sam is a guy I met online that I have hung out with twice and I like him and could possibly really like him. And he’s a fireman and his name is Sam. Fireman Sam). And both times as soon as I felt it I bolted as fast as I could. What do you suggest?

Her (Awkward Duck):Well, for starters- I love that you call him Fireman Sam. Lol- ok now that that’s out the way, why is it that you want to practice celibacy? What do you want to accomplish. I think it’s important to note that you can be sexually positive and affirming without having sex. It simply means you support the autonomy over ones sexual wants/desires/acts. Celibacy isn’t the antithesis of this. Celibacy can be fruitful and healing- as long as your reasons for doing it is your own- and not from someone else’s values. The conflict you feel around guys is a natural physical response to wanting to have sex! But I’d suggest you revisit what you want and are your actions and decisions reflecting that. And that’s it not….this is what someone else said would get me what I want. If celibacy is what you want- you should express this at some point with your male friends

BBG-Mmm that’s a lot to discern. I believe that I want to be celibate for selfish & pure reasons & I’m having problems unpacking that. I am celibate because I, (my government name), want to have a chance to get to know a man & decide on him before my loins do. I think I have lost trust in my body because the people my body craves haven’t necessarily been good for my heart. I need to heal that rift between my soul & my sexuality. And then there is religious guilt. When I’m sexing someone I have feelings for it feels good in the moment & while we’re in love but when it doesn’t work I feel like God is punishing me for my lack of control & purity. And then there is the “My pussy’s too damn good mentality.” And not wanting to waste a perfectly good interaction with someone who doesn’t deserve it.

AD-Mmmm that’s good. But it seems like the issues flow from 1- religious morals and 2- your inability to separate the sex from expectations

BBG– Indeed. Because I don’t know how to half ass sex. So when I do it I go balls to the wall, all emotions everything. Just everything laid out bare. And I am disappointed if I’m not matched in my efforts.

AD-What is it that you deserve? What is it you want? (both rhetorical) sex is also healing, and reciprocal and there’s no better feeling than knowing you have control over letting yourself feel good. The muddled perceptions we have on sex from different parts of ourselves make it hard. So we create alotta stress on something so pure. And hey, it happens. Maybe it is good that you push back until you clear it with self. I just don’t want you sexually oppressing yourself or giving yourself guilt trips over something naturally and divinely made. I went back and forth- making myself stop using vibrators. Suppressing my wants. And there’s good in practicing strong will- I was driving myself crazy until I released it all. If I’m celibate it’s to allow my womb to heal-or to refocus- but it’s not a source of guilt for me anymore

BBG– I understand. And you’re completely right. I just don’t trust myself. My body is impulsive & assertive but in my mind I want to take time & let the man take the lead, at least at first. Because I feel that a man will take almost anything that’s offered on a silver platter. But I want to give myself to a man that truly wants me & not just my body. I just dont trust myself to make the right decision when it comes to men & relationships & sex. So it’s easier & admittedly lazier to put it on God or the man. But that’s not fair.

AD– Well that’s honest and real. I just wanna also note that you’re great- and that any man worth all your good energy isn’t going to give that up b/c he had sex with you too soon. But if it’s a fear of you getting hurt by the wrong one getting the goods-then will u be less hurt if he fucked up and didn’t get the goods? Meaning- is the source of pain that he had sex and was a jackass or that he’s just a jackass- where is it really stemming from?

BBG– I think because my sex & emotions are so intertwined I get upset that I got so emotionally invested that I let him into my sexual realm. So if he’s an asshole it’s too late I’ve already let him in.

AD– Got ya- so sex is inextricably tied to emotions for you- and often catapult those feelings into over drive. Have u given up on vibrators?

BBG-Yup. I’m naturally an over-lover & a fierce nurturer so I can’t control how I feel. So I am trying to refrain from doing things that exacerbate that preexisting condition. And I kind of have because the power & allure of sex isnt about the orgasm. It’s about the connection. The hands, the mouth, the skin to skin, eye to eye thing.

AD-From one nurturer to another- I understand that. Get that energy into some other vents some kind of way

BBG-That’s why I’ve been doing a lot of blogging & working & volunteering & trying not to focus on it lol

AD– Lmao. You sound like u in a heat

BBG-I am! ALL THE DAMN TIME!

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Black Girls Be Pushing the Bounds of their Celibacy

If it seems like I have been talking about sex, and/or the lack thereof, it is because I have.  I am a sexual person.  I didnt know it then but if I knew what sexual desires were I would have known something was up when I was 7 and had fuzzy feelings deep in the pit of my stomach every time I saw the Black Ranger on Power Rangers.  Or every time Urkel turned into Stephan on Family Matters.  I didnt know then but if I had known I would have.

So now here I am, almost 23 years old and I am trying really hard to be celibate. No.  Actually Im not trying really hard at all.  Im not trying to not have sex.  Im just not doing it.  I have not met a man yet within a 30 mile radius that makes me want to have sex.  Shoot, I havent met a man in a 30 mile radius that makes me want to shave my legs.  I havent had the urge to kiss or touch or anything anyone.  And its not that Im not trying.  In the span of 3 days I went on 3 separate dates with 3 different guys.  And each time…nothing.  It was nice to be out of the house and talking to someone.  The company was decent but  that’s about it.  I was almost starting to think it was me.

And then last night I spoke to my “ex” (ex in quotations because we were never officially together but he might as well have been).  When we were at our height, he was the love of my life/the thorn in my side/my affliction/my cure all in the span of a week.  He knew me so well that it scared me because he would tell me things that I only let myself think about at 2 am on a moonless night.  He knew me like that.  Still does.  But he used that knowledge to his advantage and played on all the insecurities that I laid so bare.  He was an asshole and I loved him and hated him for it.

Its been over a year since we were serious and now that time has passed we have reached an understanding.  We are at a place where we have both grown and we recognize that but we both know each other’s boundaries and tells so we are very comfortable.  Too comfortable.  Because we have a connection that wont release us.  We had some of the best conversations I ever had in my life and we had some of the best sex I ever had in my life and yes those two things are very much related.

This connection is so strong that when we talk and get past all the pleasantries and we get into the meat of whatever we are talking about, whether its politics or our plans for the future or whatever, I start playing in my hair and my skin gets hot and my thighs start to rub together.  And he says whenever you call me my heart beats fast. Mind you, he is in Maryland and I am in North Carolina but without fail it happens.  Every. Single. Time.

We laugh and say that we are meant to be each others life long mistresses. I roll my eyes but deep deep deep deep way deep down I know that he means it. And it scares me because maybe I mean it too.  Because we have an addiction for one another.  When we would visit each other we could barely leave the house.  Looking back on it, its funny but its not. Because I know that that feeling didnt die when we ended our relationship.

But what does all of this have to do with celibacy.  I dont know. Maybe I just wanted to talk about sex.  But I guess Im saying that I want a man who challenges my celibacy.  Not in the literal sense that he tries to manipulate me into doing something I dont want to do.  But someone that has it so together and stimulates my mind and stirs my soul so much that I want to give him my body.  I want an even deeper passion with someone that is truly ready for it.  Someone that makes me want to give up this whole celibacy thing but loves and respects me enough to tell me “No. Let’s wait”.  Yeah, that’s what I want.

Black Girls Be Choosin

Im not sure if this is a post, an essay, a poem or a song.

Im not sure if this will be short or if this will be long

All I know is that it is mine to decide.

Life is Choice.

This thing called life is nothing more than a collection of choices, both conscious and subconscious and their subsequent results.

While in DC I had an awesome talk with a woman named Ann.  I pretty woman with brown eyes, short brown hair and an easy smile. Catholic and pro-choice she didnt allow her politics to affect her pleasantries and I respected that.  I had never had a conversation about abortion in which I disagreed with the person but respected the discourse.  I told her that I, myself dont think I could go through with it.  I am a serial nurturer and I get emotional thinking about my future children but that is me.  That is my choice. I have a great many thoughts and have learned a great many things but the only thing I know for sure is that I dont know anything.  I am not bold enough to tell someone how they should live their life or use their body.  I am not bold enough to make that choice for someone else.

When my mother was pregnant with me she was 26 and unwed. Folks gave her money and told her to abort me.  She decided not to even before she knew whether or not my father would stick around.  He did.  And they have been married for 23 years.  I told Ann this and she said it was a beautiful story, which it is, and I also told her that I know I am an anomaly especially in the Black community.  But I told her that even if my mother had aborted me and my parents stayed together I would still be me.  I am more than a meeting of chromosomes.  I am experiences, situation, Choices.  I am a choice.

Im saying all that to say that yes I have decided to be celibate.  No I am not on birth control. No I have never had an abortion.  And I have refrained from these things not because of a mandate or a religion but because I chose to.  Every day I choose to live my life the way I see fit.  And I believe that everyone should have the same choice.