Black Girls Be Talking to Other Black Girls About Sex

First of all let me say that this is a scary blog post to release to the world because it is so very honest.  This is literally a text conversation that I had with previously featured Awkward Duck.  She is my home girl and we have very open conversations but this is one that I think deserves a platform for discussion.  *This is slightly explicit and there is a cuss word or two, just so you know. It has only been edited slightly for typos and comprehension but not for content and all italics is me giving you some insight. In theatre, that is called an aside.*

Welcome the Real World of the Blue Black Girl!

Me (The Blue Black Girl): I’m having a problem rectifying my desire for celibacy with my belief in sex positivity. And I need to be strong in this before I really get into a situation with a man that makes me feel things. Cuz I was already feeling something with Fireman Sam(Fireman Sam is a guy I met online that I have hung out with twice and I like him and could possibly really like him. And he’s a fireman and his name is Sam. Fireman Sam). And both times as soon as I felt it I bolted as fast as I could. What do you suggest?

Her (Awkward Duck):Well, for starters- I love that you call him Fireman Sam. Lol- ok now that that’s out the way, why is it that you want to practice celibacy? What do you want to accomplish. I think it’s important to note that you can be sexually positive and affirming without having sex. It simply means you support the autonomy over ones sexual wants/desires/acts. Celibacy isn’t the antithesis of this. Celibacy can be fruitful and healing- as long as your reasons for doing it is your own- and not from someone else’s values. The conflict you feel around guys is a natural physical response to wanting to have sex! But I’d suggest you revisit what you want and are your actions and decisions reflecting that. And that’s it not….this is what someone else said would get me what I want. If celibacy is what you want- you should express this at some point with your male friends

BBG-Mmm that’s a lot to discern. I believe that I want to be celibate for selfish & pure reasons & I’m having problems unpacking that. I am celibate because I, (my government name), want to have a chance to get to know a man & decide on him before my loins do. I think I have lost trust in my body because the people my body craves haven’t necessarily been good for my heart. I need to heal that rift between my soul & my sexuality. And then there is religious guilt. When I’m sexing someone I have feelings for it feels good in the moment & while we’re in love but when it doesn’t work I feel like God is punishing me for my lack of control & purity. And then there is the “My pussy’s too damn good mentality.” And not wanting to waste a perfectly good interaction with someone who doesn’t deserve it.

AD-Mmmm that’s good. But it seems like the issues flow from 1- religious morals and 2- your inability to separate the sex from expectations

BBG– Indeed. Because I don’t know how to half ass sex. So when I do it I go balls to the wall, all emotions everything. Just everything laid out bare. And I am disappointed if I’m not matched in my efforts.

AD-What is it that you deserve? What is it you want? (both rhetorical) sex is also healing, and reciprocal and there’s no better feeling than knowing you have control over letting yourself feel good. The muddled perceptions we have on sex from different parts of ourselves make it hard. So we create alotta stress on something so pure. And hey, it happens. Maybe it is good that you push back until you clear it with self. I just don’t want you sexually oppressing yourself or giving yourself guilt trips over something naturally and divinely made. I went back and forth- making myself stop using vibrators. Suppressing my wants. And there’s good in practicing strong will- I was driving myself crazy until I released it all. If I’m celibate it’s to allow my womb to heal-or to refocus- but it’s not a source of guilt for me anymore

BBG– I understand. And you’re completely right. I just don’t trust myself. My body is impulsive & assertive but in my mind I want to take time & let the man take the lead, at least at first. Because I feel that a man will take almost anything that’s offered on a silver platter. But I want to give myself to a man that truly wants me & not just my body. I just dont trust myself to make the right decision when it comes to men & relationships & sex. So it’s easier & admittedly lazier to put it on God or the man. But that’s not fair.

AD– Well that’s honest and real. I just wanna also note that you’re great- and that any man worth all your good energy isn’t going to give that up b/c he had sex with you too soon. But if it’s a fear of you getting hurt by the wrong one getting the goods-then will u be less hurt if he fucked up and didn’t get the goods? Meaning- is the source of pain that he had sex and was a jackass or that he’s just a jackass- where is it really stemming from?

BBG– I think because my sex & emotions are so intertwined I get upset that I got so emotionally invested that I let him into my sexual realm. So if he’s an asshole it’s too late I’ve already let him in.

AD– Got ya- so sex is inextricably tied to emotions for you- and often catapult those feelings into over drive. Have u given up on vibrators?

BBG-Yup. I’m naturally an over-lover & a fierce nurturer so I can’t control how I feel. So I am trying to refrain from doing things that exacerbate that preexisting condition. And I kind of have because the power & allure of sex isnt about the orgasm. It’s about the connection. The hands, the mouth, the skin to skin, eye to eye thing.

AD-From one nurturer to another- I understand that. Get that energy into some other vents some kind of way

BBG-That’s why I’ve been doing a lot of blogging & working & volunteering & trying not to focus on it lol

AD– Lmao. You sound like u in a heat


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Black Girls Be DC Chillin: Adventures of Awkward Duck & Me Pt. 2

So we wake up and make our way to breakfast.  Duck bought a Groupon for a restaurant called “Back Alley Waffles”.  We took a bus and a train and found the spot that was indeed on a back alley.  It had exactly 4 items on the menu: Waffles, chai latte, smoothie and coffee.  That’s it. But it was a great waffle with fresh churned butter and real maple syrup.  We ate and then we made our way to the Supreme Court.  The other participants were already out there.  The Fast and Vigil is sponsored by the Abolitionist Action Committee which is a collection of organizations that are fighting to abolish the death penalty in America.  They were about to have the opening ceremony in the HOT HEAT and though my skin was sizzling like bacon in a frying pan I learned a lot.  Then we went and did touristy things like going to the Smithsonian of American history.  My favorite exhibit was on Thomas Jefferson and the Hemings family.  I am fascinated by the relationship between Sally Hemings and Jefferson and what it means for their ancestors and our history.  Melissa Harris-Perry, professor at Tulane, political aficionado, author, mom and one of my she-ros, teaches a class on First Ladies and include Hemings among them.  That is so powerful! And I wish I could take that class. Anywho, I also got chills when I saw the Inaugural gowns of the First Ladies and got to the end and saw Michelle’s fierce dress there.  Got chills just thinking about it.

We left there and met one of my Twitter friends for Happy Hour.  I had never really met anyone of Twitter before but she is always really nice yet snarky and really intelligent.  We had a great time as she brought her friend and the four of us talked about everything from politics to television.  Duck had to be back at the Supreme Court so we made our way but on the metro I realize that I lost my phone.  She calls the restaurant and they had it so she continues on and I make my way back.  I try to walk to the Supreme Court from there but it was really hot.  Along the way I see a woman with a “Got Drama?” shirt on and the front says DC Black Theatre Festival.  She was also with a man and I knew he was an actor but I couldnt place his face.  So I walk up and say “Hello My name is_____ I have a degree in theatre from NC A&T and if you need any volunteers I would be happy to help.”  She says yes we need volunteers and invites me to an event they were having that night where she would connect me with the volunteer coordinator.  I was so excited!

Once I get to the event I end up making fast friends with a guy named Viktor.  Great energy, dressed to kill.  He told me that he’s a visual artist but his heart was pulling him to theatre.  We talked and talked and it was just good conversation.  the one act plays started and Lawd Ham Ercee!!!! Some of it was just BAD! But I commend the playwrights for getting their work from page to stage.  My linesister met me there and we decided to go to U Street for dinner (thats where all the fine brothers were the night before ;-)) We choose to eat at Alero’s, a Mexican restaurant.  Mind you, it was 10:30 at night and it was still 100 degrees!   The wait to eat inside was 40 minutes and we were both hungry and couldnt wait that long so we get a table outside.  We order our food and margaritas, munch on chips and catch up. Our food and drinks come and my LS was still telling me her story.  I ate one taco and just as she took a break to get into her enchilada I look at the street and things start looking really ominous.  The sky was dark but it had a pink haze and the wind was blowing the trees so hard. I dont know what it was but something in me told me to grab my stuff and run inside!  She had seen enough movies that she followed suite.  In fact everyone that was eating outside except for one table ran inside. (They had heels on and were too cute to run…:-/) When I was sitting there I had kicked my shoes off so I had to go back out and get them.  When we went back out to the table my LS’s margarita was in her plate and our food was covered in debris.  She hadnt even taken one bite.  She was tight and hungry! We made our way to the lobby to figure out our next move and the sky opened up.  In minutes people were running in looking like they had just gotten out the pool.  It was crazy and a little frightening.  We waited about 20 minutes before we braved the lightning, rain and wind to get to her car.

Keep in mind that Duck and I are separate as she was eating with a friend also. Luckily I find her even though she refused to pick up her phone.  Come to find out she ran out the restaurant just as it started pouring to find her friend, got soaking wet and messed up her phone.  Her friend slowly drives us back to where we were staying and we are amazed by all the trees that are down, the police sirens everywhere and the lack of power.  I was praying that we had power but of course we didnt.  We showered by candlelight, which is not as romantic as it seems, and laid down.  It was still so hot but we were  so tired that it didnt even matter. We just went to sleep and hoped the power would be back on tomorrow.

Black Girls Be DC Chillin: The Adventures of Awkward Duck & Me Pt 1

This all started several months ago when Awkward Duck (who will henceforth be known as Duck(If you are a 5 Heartbeats fan as I am you will understand how happy that makes my heart & if you have never seen the 5 Heartbeats, make it happen)) called me and asked if I wanted to go with her to DC for a fast and vigil against the death penalty.  Duck works for a national organization that works with states to appeal the death penalty.  She needed a volunteer and my travel, lodging and registration would all be covered.  Of course I said Of course! Social justice+Free Trip=Im in there! I hadnt been to DC since a school trip way back in ’99 and I had heard so many great things about Chocolate City so I was excited.  Time finally comes and I hop on a bus and travel the 5 hours to DC.  Duck meets me at the station and we make our way to drop off our luggage.

Now I knew we were staying in a shelter.  She even asked if that was ok and I told her yeah.  All the other activists were staying there and I wanted to be down for the cause.  Well I dont know what I thought a shelter was but this was a REAL shelter.  The info said there was a separate section for volunteers and activists doing work in DC but it was nothing more than a partitioned room with monitors(residents with some sort of responsibility) on one side and us on the other.  These were prison bunk beds with one inch cots.  You even had to take your own toilet paper to the bathroom.  Needless to say I was apprehensive but I tried to hide it as I made up my bed.  So we put our stuff down and went out to explore DC.  We walked to the Supreme Court to see if anyone from our group was there.  There wasnt but instead we found the reporters still camped out as Thursday was the historic day that the justices upheld the Affordable Care Act (otherwise known as Obamacare) as constitutional.  Duck kept saying that she wished we had gotten to DC earlier so that we could have been there when the decision came down.  Reports say that there were thousands of people out celebrating the good news and a few who were against it.

We began to walk in search of something to drink because we had both been on buses all day and were parched.  We finally found a place, got smoothies and sat on a bench for an hour and a half talking, laughing and watching people go by.  Duck bought a few Groupons because someone got her credit card information and bought $200 worth of merchandise at a Coach store in New Jersey.  She went ahead and bought the Groupons so that she would have at least 2 meals before her card was cut off. So that night we had Indian.  It was really good but I didnt finish so I had leftovers for later.  From there she took me over to U street and my life has never been the same!  There were so many good looking Black folks! And the brothers… ooh the brothers.  Just chocolate and well dressed and looking like they had all kinds of health, dental and eye benefits.

SIDE NOTE: I am not a gold digger.  I could care less what a man makes however I know the importance of good benefits.  And as a bearer of life it is my responsibility to make sure that my future kids have benefits. That is all.

We just walked around looking.  I am celibate (at least I am going to try really REALLY hard) but after seeing all the menses I knew that I would need to do my bible study and say all my prayers while I was there.  By now Duck decided that we wouldnt stay in the shelter.  She said she saw the look on my face even though I tried to hide it and that we would stay with her homeboy in Maryland.  I cant even lie and say that I wasnt glad she made that decision.  We made our way back to the shelter to get our stuff & as we were about to run up the steps to our room the man at the front desk bellows “HEY! HEY! HEY!” all loud and aggressive.  Duck was in front of me so she comes back down the steps.  He asks where we were going and she says we’re with the fast and vigil, the activists.  “You can talk nicer than that though,” she adds and we go on upstairs.  We thought that was the end of it so she goes to the bathroom as I unmake my bed and pack my stuff.  Next thing I know Duck comes in telling me to hurry up cuz they are trying to call the cops on her.  I move as fast as I can, hoping that this is a misunderstanding.  But as I get down the stairs I see the man from the front desk fussing with Duck and literally carrying her stuff out the door.  We get outside and they are going at it! So we pump off(translation: walk off with attitude) but two men are following us.  They are telling us to wait so we can talk about what happened.  As the bystander I gave them my unbiased account.  It really wasnt that serious and that man blew it way out of proportion.  We let bygones be bygones even though the man never apologized and walked to the metro to go to Duck’s friend’s house.

As we were getting off the train, my heavy bag cracked my pinky nail and it started to bleed (this is important 1) because it REALLY hurt and 2) I asked about 20 people over the course of 3 days if they had a nail clipper and they all said NO. Clearly DC folks dont get hang nails.).  He picked us up, took us to his house and after showering we all laid down on his California king and though this may sound a lil kinky, I promise there was no sex in the champagne room.  I was knocked out!

And if I knew then what I knew now I would have cherished that sleep cuz I was definitely going to need it.

Black Girls be Having Wild Adventures

Ok so I know yall are probably so over me.  My blogging has been so erratic but I have a good reason.  First it was because I moved and going from a very sedentary job to a 1 laptop, shotty WiFi having home cane hinder anyone’s blogging efforts. And then I went to DC from June 29-July 3.  So much happened while I was in DC that I cant even put it all in one post. Im gonna break it up by days.  Cuz it was just too much to read or write at once.  So check for “The Adventures of Awkward Duck* & Me!”

*Awkward Duck is my homegirl’s twitter handle.  She will be a prevalent character in my adventures so know her and love her.