If it seems like I have been talking about sex, and/or the lack thereof, it is because I have. I am a sexual person. I didnt know it then but if I knew what sexual desires were I would have known something was up when I was 7 and had fuzzy feelings deep in the pit of my stomach every time I saw the Black Ranger on Power Rangers. Or every time Urkel turned into Stephan on Family Matters. I didnt know then but if I had known I would have.
So now here I am, almost 23 years old and I am trying really hard to be celibate. No. Actually Im not trying really hard at all. Im not trying to not have sex. Im just not doing it. I have not met a man yet within a 30 mile radius that makes me want to have sex. Shoot, I havent met a man in a 30 mile radius that makes me want to shave my legs. I havent had the urge to kiss or touch or anything anyone. And its not that Im not trying. In the span of 3 days I went on 3 separate dates with 3 different guys. And each time…nothing. It was nice to be out of the house and talking to someone. The company was decent but that’s about it. I was almost starting to think it was me.
And then last night I spoke to my “ex” (ex in quotations because we were never officially together but he might as well have been). When we were at our height, he was the love of my life/the thorn in my side/my affliction/my cure all in the span of a week. He knew me so well that it scared me because he would tell me things that I only let myself think about at 2 am on a moonless night. He knew me like that. Still does. But he used that knowledge to his advantage and played on all the insecurities that I laid so bare. He was an asshole and I loved him and hated him for it.
Its been over a year since we were serious and now that time has passed we have reached an understanding. We are at a place where we have both grown and we recognize that but we both know each other’s boundaries and tells so we are very comfortable. Too comfortable. Because we have a connection that wont release us. We had some of the best conversations I ever had in my life and we had some of the best sex I ever had in my life and yes those two things are very much related.
This connection is so strong that when we talk and get past all the pleasantries and we get into the meat of whatever we are talking about, whether its politics or our plans for the future or whatever, I start playing in my hair and my skin gets hot and my thighs start to rub together. And he says whenever you call me my heart beats fast. Mind you, he is in Maryland and I am in North Carolina but without fail it happens. Every. Single. Time.
We laugh and say that we are meant to be each others life long mistresses. I roll my eyes but deep deep deep deep way deep down I know that he means it. And it scares me because maybe I mean it too. Because we have an addiction for one another. When we would visit each other we could barely leave the house. Looking back on it, its funny but its not. Because I know that that feeling didnt die when we ended our relationship.
But what does all of this have to do with celibacy. I dont know. Maybe I just wanted to talk about sex. But I guess Im saying that I want a man who challenges my celibacy. Not in the literal sense that he tries to manipulate me into doing something I dont want to do. But someone that has it so together and stimulates my mind and stirs my soul so much that I want to give him my body. I want an even deeper passion with someone that is truly ready for it. Someone that makes me want to give up this whole celibacy thing but loves and respects me enough to tell me “No. Let’s wait”. Yeah, that’s what I want.