Black Girls Be Unpacking

This is the third and final post on this situation, this topic, this hurt (the other two are Black Girls Be Writing: Handle With Care and Black Girls Be Answering Their Own Questions). I just finished watching the film The Odd Life of Timothy Green and I was touched. Ok I balled my eyes out at the end and I need Puddin over at andevengreaterworks.wordpress.com  to see it if she hasnt already. Without ruining the plot, it was about love and letting go.

I was already emotionally overwrought and then the end of the movie just shoved me over the edge and I checked my phone and had a message from my ex, the same one I’ve been talking about this week, his cousin sent me a message that said, “Just wanted to tell ya I love and miss ya.” (His cousin and eye grew up and were really good friends growing up) And in that moment it clicked. I got it.

So this is an apology.  I have been writing and creating this alternate reality where I was doing everything and giving my all and he just broke my heart because he wouldnt have me.  And though that may be my truth, it is not the reality of what happened.  I was wrong. And I was selfish.  Because instead of letting love live and breath, I wanted to box it up and hoard it. I wanted it on my terms and my own way.  But just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to doesnt mean that they dont love you.  He loves his way and I love mine. We just couldnt find a middle.

We are not bad people.  We are just dynamically, extraordinarily human. And thats ok.

So I am cutting open the box that is my heart and my love.  Throwing back the curtains and unlocking all the doors so that love can flow effortlessly in, out and through my life.  Whether its a quick, fierce gale that comes and goes before I can lick my finger and figure its direction or a barely moving, muggy breeze that moves in, sets for a while and never really parts, I’m ready. And I welcome it all.

Black Girls Be Answering Their Own Questions

So… confession to you all. My last post Black Girls Be Writing: Handle With Care was not just a tender little holiday story, it was me playing out an idea I had about a very real situation in my life. Yeah, surprise surprise. I wrote that early this morning as I tried to finally decide if I would send my ex a seemingly innocuous gift for Christmas.  I sent it to my homegirls and posted it here, still trying to make a decision. And as soon as I released it into the digital world the answer was clear as day.  No. I will not. Final answer.

The simple fact that I am creating phony fan fiction for my own life and asking others what I should do is a clear indication that I should do nothing.  Just hold my peace. Its time for me to come to grips that he has made up his mind and stop giving him opportunities to change it. Opportunities that he doesnt  care to take advantage of.  He told me himself that he doesnt deserve me.  Its time for me to trust that he knows what he’s talking about.

Today, Thursday, December 20th, I am going to trust that what is mine is mine. That someone will love me in the present and on purpose.  That they will not skip in and out of my life when it suits them nor will they let me walk out of their life without a fight.  They will have what I need and be ready to give it.