Black Girls be Coming Out

Happy New Year! I know it’s the 17th but I will be the obnoxious one to say Happy New Year til March. Me Nah Care! And what better way to start the new year than to come out!? No I am not talking about my sexuality even though I have some sinfully scrumptious home girls (Lana, Rell I’m lookin at ya’ll :-)). No I am talking about the blogger’s closest.

Today, January 17th, I came out to my friends and family as a blogger.  I was gonna do it at some point but being dubbed a “Fierce Female Blogger” by LC who runs Colored Girl Confidential pushed me to it (You can read the post here.) So I shared the post on Facebook so my FB folks could see and I posted this status:

I have a blog. Most of you dont know about it because I write about things that I may or may not want you to know about. But its 2013, I’m 23 years old and I write my truth. I refuse to apologize for my truth. So enjoy at your own risk 🙂 blackgirlblue.wordpress.com

And then I got scared. Remembering why I chose to blog in secret to begin with. Not wanting to hold my tongue or consider my audience. Wanting to be free to express myself without tarnishing my good girl image. Thinking back on all the posts I wrote about my crushes, my politics, celibacy and sex. Oh shoot, SEX! So I wrote this:

P.S. Mom and Dad this post does not pertain to you. You two are barred from my blog. No really. Im serious.

But they are really not the worst of my fears. I thought of my ex. The one that I am trying to be friends with. And the posts, some rather recent, that I know, if he reads them, he will know are about him.

But I have told no lies here.  And even if that truth was only truth for a moment, it was real to me when I sat down at the computer.  And I refuse to apologize or feel guilty for that.

So to all the new subscribers, readers, visitors… HEY!!! I hope you enjoy yourself but Im not sorry if you dont. Because this is my little safe place on the internet.  So sit back, relax and join me on my journey. Or dont. Its all love either way.

Oh yeah, and one more thing, if you have any issue, complaint or comment please feel free to take it up with me. I’m a big girl. I cant handle it.

~The Management

 

Black Girls be Inspiring Other Black Girls

I am a devout reader of a friend and fellow Black Girl’s blog called Colored Girl Confidential ( I can call her my friend because we met in real life. I know right? People still do that O_O lol). Her blog always has great posts that uplift every aspect of my little Black girl life.  But every once in a while I will read something that stops me dead in my tracks and answers questions that I wasn’t bold enough to ask. Her last was one such post. It is titled “7 Things I Wont Need on My Next Birthday“.  I will try really hard not to give the whole post away but all of her 7 really hit home.

Number 4 is ” I wont need a… job.”  I am a 23 year old woman with a bachelor’s of fine arts in professional theatre with an acting concentration, which means I am broke.  But I am not poor. I am rich in creativity and potential and energy and its time for me to stop chasing “FT with benefits” and follow my purpose.  I have characters pounding away at my temporal lobe begging for release. And its time I let the little bastards have their own way.  So I am applying for theatre fellowships across the country so that I can make it happen, cap’n.

Number 5 is ” I will not need abs.” Abs are nice but what have they done for you late-ly? (You should have read that in your best Janet Jackson’s homegirl in the intro voice) Seriously though, if I havent learned anything else from social media is that our outward appearances dont make us happier, smarter, wealthier nor better people.  They dont even make us better looking really.  People are out here getting chose, getting jobs, creating opportunities, smiling, waking up and dying regardless of their BMI.  Im not saying Im going to forego all my good sense and go on a liquid diet of KFC gravy and Krispy Kreme doughnut glaze but I am going to love myself every day, at every phase and every weight.

Speaking of love, the one that really knocked my socks off, made me pause and remind myself to breath was Number 2 “To Love People Who Dont Love Me Back.” Ya’ll I’ve been struggling lately. I miss my “ex”. (Ex because we were never officially together but we were very much together.) Even with our lack of a title, he loved me and treated me better than any other man I gave the moniker “boyfriend”. He treated me with the utmost respect, he showed me loved me in all the little ways that really counted and he made me feel warm and happy in that substantial “we could do this forever” kind of way. Yeah, it was like that. But we ended things and though my head understands my heart still goes through stages of disbelief.  I have read relationship tips from all sound angles from my mother to the bible to Oprah and still I have not found peace in the situation. So when I read, “On my next birthday, I will not argue with people who say they don’t deserve me. I’ll assume they know what they’re talking about,” I felt like she had encroached into my private sanctum and used my misery for public consumption! I still havent decided what I am going to do about this situation. I guess thats for another day and another blog post…

And last but certainly not least, Number 1, I will not need “Apologies for Being Who I Am.” That deserves a moment of silence followed by this:

orson_wells_Slow-Clap

I have been holding back and not being my best self out of fear of what others might think/say/do/whisper/misinterpret and you know what that ends TODAY! Mattafact, nawl. That ends YESTERDAY!

I urge you to check out LC’s blog Colored Girl Confidential. Im sure it will inspire, ignite, delight and bless you as much as it has for me.

*2 chest pumps and a peace sign*

Black Girls Be Unpacking

This is the third and final post on this situation, this topic, this hurt (the other two are Black Girls Be Writing: Handle With Care and Black Girls Be Answering Their Own Questions). I just finished watching the film The Odd Life of Timothy Green and I was touched. Ok I balled my eyes out at the end and I need Puddin over at andevengreaterworks.wordpress.com  to see it if she hasnt already. Without ruining the plot, it was about love and letting go.

I was already emotionally overwrought and then the end of the movie just shoved me over the edge and I checked my phone and had a message from my ex, the same one I’ve been talking about this week, his cousin sent me a message that said, “Just wanted to tell ya I love and miss ya.” (His cousin and eye grew up and were really good friends growing up) And in that moment it clicked. I got it.

So this is an apology.  I have been writing and creating this alternate reality where I was doing everything and giving my all and he just broke my heart because he wouldnt have me.  And though that may be my truth, it is not the reality of what happened.  I was wrong. And I was selfish.  Because instead of letting love live and breath, I wanted to box it up and hoard it. I wanted it on my terms and my own way.  But just because someone doesnt love you the way you want them to doesnt mean that they dont love you.  He loves his way and I love mine. We just couldnt find a middle.

We are not bad people.  We are just dynamically, extraordinarily human. And thats ok.

So I am cutting open the box that is my heart and my love.  Throwing back the curtains and unlocking all the doors so that love can flow effortlessly in, out and through my life.  Whether its a quick, fierce gale that comes and goes before I can lick my finger and figure its direction or a barely moving, muggy breeze that moves in, sets for a while and never really parts, I’m ready. And I welcome it all.

Black Girls Be Packing

She had waited a long time for this day but in that moment in seemed like she never had enough time at all.  She took a deep breath and checked the chest one last time. Linens, sheets, her one church dress, her good shoes all there.  The pot she saved all summer for and her rolling pin.  She asked him if he had one at the house already and he said, “No.  Cant say that I do. And if I do I dont know where it is.” “What kind of kitchen doesn’t have a rolling pin?” she asked herself as she stuffed it in the chest betwinxt her shoes and her white sheets.  She had packed this chest for such an occasion as this and was still unprepared. It lacked mini ruffled socks and gloves for precious hands and feet, but how could she know? She fingered the fabric she stalked until it was discounted with the distinct plan of making the only white dress she would wear. She always thought it would be so sweet for her daughters to wear the scraps of her dress in their hair as bows; she just didnt think it would be so soon.

She married that man, moved into his house and raised his kids. And dont you know, 75 years later it was the rolling pin and not the linens that her great granddaughter used.

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Black Girls Be Rambling

This post will have no rhyme or reason. No beginning nor an end. Im just in a ramble and say whatever kinda mood.

Ever feel so close to your destiny that ever time you turn a corner you expect it to be standing there with open arms and a warm smile? Well that’s how I feel. I feel like that man, that job, that big thing is right there. But I keep chasing pavement and turning corners and to no avail.

Im not hopeless, in fact Im full of hope. Overflowing with hope. I guess Im just ready for what’s next. Whatever that is…

Will I even know what to do once I get it? Probably not. But I’ll try.

This is a horrible comeback post and I would apologize but I’ve decided to stop apologizing for things that I am not really sorry for.  And I am not sorry.  I have been living and working two jobs and being a puppeteer so yeah… no Im not sorry.

But Im glad to be back.