Today I took I big leap. Today I signed up for online dating!
*insert menagerie of emotions*
I don’t know what made me do it. All I know is that I was reading the August 2012 issue of Essence Magazine and next thing I know I got the desire to “browse” PlentyofFish.com. But you can’t browse without an account so I told myself that I would make my account, browse and then delete my account. Well three messages from three potentials in & I don’t think I’m deleting my account. 😉 lol
I think it was while I was filling out my profile that I realized that it’s time for me to be honest with myself about what I want. For the last couple of months I have been praying HARD. And not just for any man, oh no, I’ve been praying for The Man. The One. The End All Be All. These prayers go something like this: God, you know my heart. You know what I want. And you know what I need. Lord I need a man that is God-fearing, loves family, respectful, intelligent and honest. Hard working and dependable. A man that is gonna help me become the best person I can every day. A man that is financially sound. And if he is tall, chocolate has all his teeth and job benefits that would be real nice too. But God you know all this. Just send me the man You have set apart just for me. The one You made with me in mind. Then I pray for Him to get this lust demon off my back and out my drawers but that’s another post.
I have prayed this prayer many times over the last few years but never as diligently. I mean I pray for my soulmate at least 5 times a week. Sometimes I pray for him. I pray that God will bless him, protect his heart & know that I’m out here loving him and praying for him already. And I know that might sound crazy but it helps to remind me that God’s got it and whatever is meant for me is already mine. Including my Future Husband.
Which is why I felt like online dating was disrespectful to God. Because I thought that if I tried it I would be telling God that I don’t trust that He’d handle it. But as I signed up I felt a calming peace that God works through ALL things, even online dating sites.
I will continue to pray & follow my heart & keep an ear tuned for God’s voice. And of course I will be safe & won’t do anything that makes me feel uncomfortable. Black girls be smart you know. Well that’s it. I gotta go. Just got a new message ;-)… Wait make that 4 potentials 😉
So we wake up and make our way to breakfast. Duck bought a Groupon for a restaurant called “Back Alley Waffles”. We took a bus and a train and found the spot that was indeed on a back alley. It had exactly 4 items on the menu: Waffles, chai latte, smoothie and coffee. That’s it. But it was a great waffle with fresh churned butter and real maple syrup. We ate and then we made our way to the Supreme Court. The other participants were already out there. The Fast and Vigil is sponsored by the Abolitionist Action Committee which is a collection of organizations that are fighting to abolish the death penalty in America. They were about to have the opening ceremony in the HOT HEAT and though my skin was sizzling like bacon in a frying pan I learned a lot. Then we went and did touristy things like going to the Smithsonian of American history. My favorite exhibit was on Thomas Jefferson and the Hemings family. I am fascinated by the relationship between Sally Hemings and Jefferson and what it means for their ancestors and our history. Melissa Harris-Perry, professor at Tulane, political aficionado, author, mom and one of my she-ros, teaches a class on First Ladies and include Hemings among them. That is so powerful! And I wish I could take that class. Anywho, I also got chills when I saw the Inaugural gowns of the First Ladies and got to the end and saw Michelle’s fierce dress there. Got chills just thinking about it.
We left there and met one of my Twitter friends for Happy Hour. I had never really met anyone of Twitter before but she is always really nice yet snarky and really intelligent. We had a great time as she brought her friend and the four of us talked about everything from politics to television. Duck had to be back at the Supreme Court so we made our way but on the metro I realize that I lost my phone. She calls the restaurant and they had it so she continues on and I make my way back. I try to walk to the Supreme Court from there but it was really hot. Along the way I see a woman with a “Got Drama?” shirt on and the front says DC Black Theatre Festival. She was also with a man and I knew he was an actor but I couldnt place his face. So I walk up and say “Hello My name is_____ I have a degree in theatre from NC A&T and if you need any volunteers I would be happy to help.” She says yes we need volunteers and invites me to an event they were having that night where she would connect me with the volunteer coordinator. I was so excited!
Once I get to the event I end up making fast friends with a guy named Viktor. Great energy, dressed to kill. He told me that he’s a visual artist but his heart was pulling him to theatre. We talked and talked and it was just good conversation. the one act plays started and Lawd Ham Ercee!!!! Some of it was just BAD! But I commend the playwrights for getting their work from page to stage. My linesister met me there and we decided to go to U Street for dinner (thats where all the fine brothers were the night before ;-)) We choose to eat at Alero’s, a Mexican restaurant. Mind you, it was 10:30 at night and it was still 100 degrees! The wait to eat inside was 40 minutes and we were both hungry and couldnt wait that long so we get a table outside. We order our food and margaritas, munch on chips and catch up. Our food and drinks come and my LS was still telling me her story. I ate one taco and just as she took a break to get into her enchilada I look at the street and things start looking really ominous. The sky was dark but it had a pink haze and the wind was blowing the trees so hard. I dont know what it was but something in me told me to grab my stuff and run inside! She had seen enough movies that she followed suite. In fact everyone that was eating outside except for one table ran inside. (They had heels on and were too cute to run…:-/) When I was sitting there I had kicked my shoes off so I had to go back out and get them. When we went back out to the table my LS’s margarita was in her plate and our food was covered in debris. She hadnt even taken one bite. She was tight and hungry! We made our way to the lobby to figure out our next move and the sky opened up. In minutes people were running in looking like they had just gotten out the pool. It was crazy and a little frightening. We waited about 20 minutes before we braved the lightning, rain and wind to get to her car.
Keep in mind that Duck and I are separate as she was eating with a friend also. Luckily I find her even though she refused to pick up her phone. Come to find out she ran out the restaurant just as it started pouring to find her friend, got soaking wet and messed up her phone. Her friend slowly drives us back to where we were staying and we are amazed by all the trees that are down, the police sirens everywhere and the lack of power. I was praying that we had power but of course we didnt. We showered by candlelight, which is not as romantic as it seems, and laid down. It was still so hot but we were so tired that it didnt even matter. We just went to sleep and hoped the power would be back on tomorrow.
I knew from the moment
You traced your slightly calloused fingers
Across my brown leather bound cover
I was to be your lover.
It was the delicate way
You turned my thick pages
And annotated my difficulties for further understanding.
You knew I held secrets,
My lineage musky, the color of sun dried tears and watermarks.
Crackin my spine for the first time
You had me open.
Laid out flat and ready to spill.
I became your morning cock crow
And your evening delight
Craning to every crevice
Where you had just enough light
To pursue and that you did
Trivial at first
Until I wrapped my wickedly worded web
Intricately up in and through
Your innermost intimate inclusions.
Innocently concocted a mixture
Sure to create an addiction to my diction.
Sexually satisfying your sinful sensations with my syntax
Titillating the tip of your… tongue
Through my tall tales.
And now that I have you where I want you,
A thick-rimmed fiend grasping at the last light
Begging for just one more line
Let me tell you:
If you be my Teacake
I will lactate love
Thick and sweet like cheesecake
Ripened with perfection
Craved. A rich indulgence.
Rome my jeweled Capulet
With reckless abandon
And youthful disregard
My apothecary prowess
Will hide you from all harm.
Trace back my Roots
You will find
That this story has
No beginning and no end
Just a cycle of us
Finding Life is Choice and Love is Truth
Then mark me brazen
A lightning bolt across a starless sky
So all who see me know
I belong to a boy who loved and lived.
And when the end of our tale draws nigh
You will know me without
The opening of an eye.
Myths, fables and stories
Made, Bought and Sold
But a Classic love
Is the Greatest story never told.
If you havent already please read Frank Ocean’s letter
After reading that I just feel emotionally overwrought, raw, wrung out and incredibly human. Sometimes in my attempt to be nauseatingly positive I forget to admit that sometimes life hurts. On its own, without any help from anyone else, the act of living is painful. Anyone that has lived can attest to this fact.
Ocean’s letter is a testament to that. It is proof of that pain and the humanity of it all. He loved. He wasnt loved back. It hurt. Period. I’ve been there. I’ve loved with all the love I could muster at that stage in my life. And I’ve been loved, in a way. Sometimes I havent been loved the way I wanted. Sometimes it wasnt enough. Sometimes it wasnt at the right time. And sometimes love is poisonous. And in the end it hurt.
But that pain helped me grow. So I understand when Ocean wrote “Thanks. To my first love. I’m grateful for you. Grateful that even though it wasnt what I hoped for and even though it was never enough. It was,” I overstand.
You see I have a first love. We all do, but he is mine. I have loved him since I was 15 years old and I love him to this day. I cant shake him and he cant shake me. And what’s worse is that we have never really been together so we have never really broken up. We are prisoners, shackled at the heart, pulling in opposite directions, breaking both hearts in the process. And they will never heal until once or for all it is finished and we are free. Free to love or free to leave.
Frank Ocean loved and lost too. He hurt too. Except his hurt was compounded in that it wasnt “acceptable”. I have been in some shady situations. I have been the love “a la carte” and when your feelings arent accepted no one will empathize with your pain. But no matter what they say, accepted or not, it continues to sting and bleed and fester and infect. It continues to hurt.
Life hurts. All by itself and without any assistance. But it hurts so much more when people go out of their way to make it worse. They take that pain and throw salt in the wound. They take the smoldering remains and fan it and blow on it until the fire burns anew. They take an ax to the pieces of your heart that still have the audacity to beat. And they do it as if it has never or will never happen to them.
So I want to thank you Frank Ocean for your bravery. Your willingness to hurt out loud and in all of the living colors. From my hurting yet beating human heart to yours, thank you.
Im not sure if this is a post, an essay, a poem or a song.
Im not sure if this will be short or if this will be long
All I know is that it is mine to decide.
Life is Choice.
This thing called life is nothing more than a collection of choices, both conscious and subconscious and their subsequent results.
While in DC I had an awesome talk with a woman named Ann. I pretty woman with brown eyes, short brown hair and an easy smile. Catholic and pro-choice she didnt allow her politics to affect her pleasantries and I respected that. I had never had a conversation about abortion in which I disagreed with the person but respected the discourse. I told her that I, myself dont think I could go through with it. I am a serial nurturer and I get emotional thinking about my future children but that is me. That is my choice. I have a great many thoughts and have learned a great many things but the only thing I know for sure is that I dont know anything. I am not bold enough to tell someone how they should live their life or use their body. I am not bold enough to make that choice for someone else.
When my mother was pregnant with me she was 26 and unwed. Folks gave her money and told her to abort me. She decided not to even before she knew whether or not my father would stick around. He did. And they have been married for 23 years. I told Ann this and she said it was a beautiful story, which it is, and I also told her that I know I am an anomaly especially in the Black community. But I told her that even if my mother had aborted me and my parents stayed together I would still be me. I am more than a meeting of chromosomes. I am experiences, situation, Choices. I am a choice.
Im saying all that to say that yes I have decided to be celibate. No I am not on birth control. No I have never had an abortion. And I have refrained from these things not because of a mandate or a religion but because I chose to. Every day I choose to live my life the way I see fit. And I believe that everyone should have the same choice.