Black Girls be Inspiring Other Black Girls

I am a devout reader of a friend and fellow Black Girl’s blog called Colored Girl Confidential ( I can call her my friend because we met in real life. I know right? People still do that O_O lol). Her blog always has great posts that uplift every aspect of my little Black girl life.  But every once in a while I will read something that stops me dead in my tracks and answers questions that I wasn’t bold enough to ask. Her last was one such post. It is titled “7 Things I Wont Need on My Next Birthday“.  I will try really hard not to give the whole post away but all of her 7 really hit home.

Number 4 is ” I wont need a… job.”  I am a 23 year old woman with a bachelor’s of fine arts in professional theatre with an acting concentration, which means I am broke.  But I am not poor. I am rich in creativity and potential and energy and its time for me to stop chasing “FT with benefits” and follow my purpose.  I have characters pounding away at my temporal lobe begging for release. And its time I let the little bastards have their own way.  So I am applying for theatre fellowships across the country so that I can make it happen, cap’n.

Number 5 is ” I will not need abs.” Abs are nice but what have they done for you late-ly? (You should have read that in your best Janet Jackson’s homegirl in the intro voice) Seriously though, if I havent learned anything else from social media is that our outward appearances dont make us happier, smarter, wealthier nor better people.  They dont even make us better looking really.  People are out here getting chose, getting jobs, creating opportunities, smiling, waking up and dying regardless of their BMI.  Im not saying Im going to forego all my good sense and go on a liquid diet of KFC gravy and Krispy Kreme doughnut glaze but I am going to love myself every day, at every phase and every weight.

Speaking of love, the one that really knocked my socks off, made me pause and remind myself to breath was Number 2 “To Love People Who Dont Love Me Back.” Ya’ll I’ve been struggling lately. I miss my “ex”. (Ex because we were never officially together but we were very much together.) Even with our lack of a title, he loved me and treated me better than any other man I gave the moniker “boyfriend”. He treated me with the utmost respect, he showed me loved me in all the little ways that really counted and he made me feel warm and happy in that substantial “we could do this forever” kind of way. Yeah, it was like that. But we ended things and though my head understands my heart still goes through stages of disbelief.  I have read relationship tips from all sound angles from my mother to the bible to Oprah and still I have not found peace in the situation. So when I read, “On my next birthday, I will not argue with people who say they don’t deserve me. I’ll assume they know what they’re talking about,” I felt like she had encroached into my private sanctum and used my misery for public consumption! I still havent decided what I am going to do about this situation. I guess thats for another day and another blog post…

And last but certainly not least, Number 1, I will not need “Apologies for Being Who I Am.” That deserves a moment of silence followed by this:

orson_wells_Slow-Clap

I have been holding back and not being my best self out of fear of what others might think/say/do/whisper/misinterpret and you know what that ends TODAY! Mattafact, nawl. That ends YESTERDAY!

I urge you to check out LC’s blog Colored Girl Confidential. Im sure it will inspire, ignite, delight and bless you as much as it has for me.

*2 chest pumps and a peace sign*

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Black Girls Be Pushing the Bounds of their Celibacy

If it seems like I have been talking about sex, and/or the lack thereof, it is because I have.  I am a sexual person.  I didnt know it then but if I knew what sexual desires were I would have known something was up when I was 7 and had fuzzy feelings deep in the pit of my stomach every time I saw the Black Ranger on Power Rangers.  Or every time Urkel turned into Stephan on Family Matters.  I didnt know then but if I had known I would have.

So now here I am, almost 23 years old and I am trying really hard to be celibate. No.  Actually Im not trying really hard at all.  Im not trying to not have sex.  Im just not doing it.  I have not met a man yet within a 30 mile radius that makes me want to have sex.  Shoot, I havent met a man in a 30 mile radius that makes me want to shave my legs.  I havent had the urge to kiss or touch or anything anyone.  And its not that Im not trying.  In the span of 3 days I went on 3 separate dates with 3 different guys.  And each time…nothing.  It was nice to be out of the house and talking to someone.  The company was decent but  that’s about it.  I was almost starting to think it was me.

And then last night I spoke to my “ex” (ex in quotations because we were never officially together but he might as well have been).  When we were at our height, he was the love of my life/the thorn in my side/my affliction/my cure all in the span of a week.  He knew me so well that it scared me because he would tell me things that I only let myself think about at 2 am on a moonless night.  He knew me like that.  Still does.  But he used that knowledge to his advantage and played on all the insecurities that I laid so bare.  He was an asshole and I loved him and hated him for it.

Its been over a year since we were serious and now that time has passed we have reached an understanding.  We are at a place where we have both grown and we recognize that but we both know each other’s boundaries and tells so we are very comfortable.  Too comfortable.  Because we have a connection that wont release us.  We had some of the best conversations I ever had in my life and we had some of the best sex I ever had in my life and yes those two things are very much related.

This connection is so strong that when we talk and get past all the pleasantries and we get into the meat of whatever we are talking about, whether its politics or our plans for the future or whatever, I start playing in my hair and my skin gets hot and my thighs start to rub together.  And he says whenever you call me my heart beats fast. Mind you, he is in Maryland and I am in North Carolina but without fail it happens.  Every. Single. Time.

We laugh and say that we are meant to be each others life long mistresses. I roll my eyes but deep deep deep deep way deep down I know that he means it. And it scares me because maybe I mean it too.  Because we have an addiction for one another.  When we would visit each other we could barely leave the house.  Looking back on it, its funny but its not. Because I know that that feeling didnt die when we ended our relationship.

But what does all of this have to do with celibacy.  I dont know. Maybe I just wanted to talk about sex.  But I guess Im saying that I want a man who challenges my celibacy.  Not in the literal sense that he tries to manipulate me into doing something I dont want to do.  But someone that has it so together and stimulates my mind and stirs my soul so much that I want to give him my body.  I want an even deeper passion with someone that is truly ready for it.  Someone that makes me want to give up this whole celibacy thing but loves and respects me enough to tell me “No. Let’s wait”.  Yeah, that’s what I want.