I’m tired but I am really trying to do the #30in30 blog challenge & blog every day this month.
I finished The Shack today. And I will write about it soon but I need to digest it all into my heart. It was so deep.
But something else happened today. I gave the guy I asked free reign to ask me anything he wanted to. So he asked me what my favorite position was. I played innocent and said favorite position in what? He replied Sex.
I knew what he was talking about and I knew the answer but I didnt answer. I didn’t answer because of all the things that an answer would imply. Answering that question would imply that I was comfortable enough with him to give him details that even some of my intimate partners didn’t know. Giving him that information would give him premature access into a club that I’m not sure if he’s worthy to join. Plait stated, if he’s meant to know he’ll know.
I felt that I made the right choice & felt just in that moment. But I also felt like he deserved the truth. We have been talking for a few weeks and though we mention sex in jest I haven’t told him the truth. So I told him that I’m not interested in having sex with anyone for a while. And even that is a half truth. I really don’t want to have sex until I’m married.
So I told him this. And said that if he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore I’d understand. I wanted to give the young man an out. Just because I’ve made this choice does not mean I expect all people to do the same. Everything ain’t for everybody. To be honest I don’t even know if it’s for me. But I’m praying on it and asking God to speak to my heart & calm my nature.
And even though it wasn’t a huge gesture and we shall see if his actions match, this young man said something that made me look at him & me & God in a different light. He said, “This doesn’t change anything.” I swooned. I’ll admit it. I tried to maintain my composure but I couldn’t stop smiling.
I don’t know what will happen between this young man and I but I respect him and appreciate him respecting me. And I thank God for reminding me that a true love will not love me for what I do but who I am. And I want to encourage myself to remain on this path of celibacy. Even when it gets hard. Or soft. Or cold and lonely. It will be worth it.