Today I tweeted, “Someone I love is turning into someone I dont like and its breaking my heart.” I didnt say anything else about it, just left it at that. But there is so much more to it.
There is a man that I love. Would lay my life down for without a second thought. I’ve watched him grow and turn into this man that has so much promise and I would do anything to help him prosper. And he is breaking my heart. And he doesnt even know it. Because he hates himself and if he hates himself than it must mean that he hates me because he and me are one. Because he’s my brother.
I dont know when it happened or what caused it. All I know is that somewhere along the way someone told him or he convinced himself that Black is not beautiful and the closer to whiteness the better. He’s dating a lovely white girl and Im glad he’s found someone to love and that loves him in return is awesome but that doesnt replace his love for his own Black self.
I think what hurts me the most is all the unsaid things. He only compliments white women on their looks, their hair. He only calls little White children cute. If we go somewhere and there are a lot of white people there, he immediately assumes it is nice and acts appropriately. We waited for him to put the tree topper on the tree and he even complained that there wasnt a White angel! So if White is right and beautiful doesnt that make this lil Black girl ugly and wrong?
I dont know what to do about it but it concerns me because even if he has children with a woman that is clear as glass, his children will still be Black and they will be treated as such. I dont want him to propel his hate unto others. Nor will I allow him to make me feel less than, no matter who he is.
Maybe its a stage and he will grow out of it. I really hope he matures and sees the error of his ways and finds that love that he so desperately needs. Until then I have to find a way to marry my disgust and my devotion, my love and my loathing.