Ok sorry fellas but its that time of the month. Yeah… that time. The time when women bemoan their genitals and all the horrible stuff that comes with them. I get cramps so bad that I start apologizing for every bad thing I’ve done and will do. Cramps so bad that I have fantasized that I was a philandering man in my past life which is why God is punishing me in this one. I mean I must have been trifling with 4 baby mamas, bad credit, a gold tooth and a jherri curl. And I know you’ve all said it or heard it before but women really go through everything. Menstrual cycles, a 9 month long virus… I mean pregnancy, childbirth. I read somewhere that childbirth is equivalent to having 20 bones broken at once. TWENTY!!! 2-0!!! And then after you do that once or twice or 18 times (arent the Duggars on like their 18th child) then you get more cycles until your body is tired and decides to go through menopause. And though I have not been blessed with children nor do I know the horror of menopause none of these things sound like fun. Especially when I compare them to the things that my brothers go through. But being a man has other advantages that I must admit I am a wee bit jealous of like:
- Peeing standing up. I work at a community college in NYC and believe me the bathrooms can look like war zones. But there are those rare occasions when squatting wont cut it and I am forced to use the paper to pad the seats. But then I think about flesh eating bacteria and I wonder how this tissue paper is gonna protect my behind. FYI: Did you know that that paper can also be used to as an oil blotting sheet. Scouts honor! Of course you shouldnt put it on the toilet first but you get my drift… I hope.
- Writing one’s name in the snow. Call me crazy but this is something that I have always wanted to do. I havent tried it but I have thought about it… a lot. I have deduced that I would either need to drink 6 beers, shorten my name, run REALLY fast or grow a winky. Needless to say its not looking too good for the home team.
- Relieving one’s self outdoors. There havent been too many times when I needed this skill but there have been a few. And now that I am trying to live more of a “Carpe Diem” lifestyle I am going to make those opportunities more plentiful. And maybe its my dominant personality that desires to splash a tree with my liquid DNA but whatever the case may be, I want to do that. Dont judge me!
*Luckily there is this contraption, the GoGirl! It allows women to pee standing up and on the go. Nifty, huh?
Umm lets see what else? Ok maybe all of my reasons involve the potty or not having to push a human being out of a hole that starts out the size of nickel or not bleeding for days while craving crunchy salty sugary junk and getting emotional while listening to Man in the Mirror. Some of my reasons are sexual too but I prefer to keep my posts relatively PG in case I get hit by a bus and my family finds this blog.
I think thats it for now. I can only have but so many intelligible thoughts with this gnome doing a jig in my ovaries in soccer cleats.